Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was a rough day for me. There's a lot of stress in life right now...all productive, but stress none the less. And then, the day I never thought I would see came-I turned 30. I know it's not that big of deal, but to me, I still feel 17 inside and I can remember clearly my parents turning 30, so it seems a bit odd that I am there now too. Anyway, below is an email that my mom sent me last night. It was interesting to me to see in print the many adventures of my parents around the time of my birth. Life seems so chaotic to me sometimes and I wonder if Raylen is getting the stability and attention that she needs and deserves. When I read my mom's email though, it made me feel better to know that life happens as it happens and you learn and grow through it all. (Sorry Mom for printing your email without your permission :)

Jenny,

This is a very special day for me. You were born 30 years ago and oh how wonderful that was. We were so young we really didn't know what to expect when we got you. But during the whole "year" of gestation something was always going on to make it memorable. For instance:

1. Daddy started a new job in Dallas and 20 minutes into the job he falls and breaks his leg. It is winter and he is in a Dallas hospital.
2.In February on the way to the doctor to see if I was pregnant, daddy hit a truck in front of us. ( He was looking at a blonde at the 7-11.) Aunt Lynn separated and divorced Phil. March or so she met Michael Rowan.
3. In July we went camping 2 hours away and neither one of us remembered to wear or bring shoes with us. And at that time I thought you were going to be born at the end of August or the first of September.
4. Daddy went back to work in September.
5. We were given showers for you with the cards addressed to "Jason".
6. Aunt Lynn and Uncle Michael got married on November 10th. I was way overdue with you. After the wedding we went and ate at the German Restaurant.. After dinner it was cold and I ran to the car with daddy, panty hose falling down all the way.
7. November 11th Daddy and I wanted to make a sign for the front yard saying that the baby was here, leaving room for boy or girl, even though we thought you were a boy.
8. That Saturday morning I started labor even though I wasn't sure that I was. Daddy and I worked on the sign and also put a dish washer in. That night we were going to Reggie and Linda's to play games, usually Tri-Ominoes. I was in clear labor at that point.
9. Because I couldn't sleep all night on Sunday morning November 12th, 1978 we called the doctor and said my contractions were about 5 minutes apart. He said to go to the hospital. We got there about 9am. You were not born until 7:46 pm. A lot of people were there. Your great grandmother on your mothers side was there with gifts for a boy, but she gave them to us anyway.
10. When you were born daddy could not be in the room but he was just outside the door. When you were born the nurse couldn't tell him what you were when he asked her, all she said was that "she" was born. Daddy was so happy. They asked me what your name was and I told them Jennifer Len Tidwell. As I was laying on the table while they finished with me, I looked over at you and just immediately fell in love with you. You were such a special baby. The first thing Daddy said when he saw you was that you looked just like me. You had lots of dark hair, (I'm sure that you got that from PaPa) and you were absolutely beautiful! And yes new borns are beautiful. I knew that I was blessed. Your daddy and I both never regretted having you. We loved and cherished you from the very beginning and I still love and cherish you now. The next day after you were born Daddy and Memaw went all over town looking for just the right shirt for you. And he found it. He always made life so fun. You got your fun side from him. Your serious side we know where that came from.

I just wanted you to know what a special year that was. We went through quite a bit before you were born and more after. Nine days after you were born daddy got hurt again, this time he broke his other leg and his right arm. And that began a whole new story. To be continued........

You are very much loved by a whole lot of people, but mostly by me and your daddy, because I know that you feel him around you all the time.

I love you baby girl and Happy Birthday

Mama

Be beautiful inside with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet spirit which is so precious to God. 1 Peter 3:4

The title verse is one my favorites and one I memorized early on as a teenager. It has become a prayer for me over my daughter as she grows into a young woman...here's an example of why.

One of the things that I am learning about myself as I grow as a parent is what character traits are important to me. Growing a four year old in 2008 is difficult. We are surrounded by Britney Spears and Gossip Girl, up to our ears in a self indulgent society and the loudest voices we can hear are the ones telling us that thin and pretty are the only things that matter. I am learning more and more that my job as a mother is to instill virtues of the heart in my daughter, not the appetite for fleeting earthly treasures. I am amazed everyday at the genuinely gracious and loving heart that flows from her. She doesn't see size, color, beauty as distinguishing qualities in anyone...she loves all people and wants to be close to everyone. Still, when I blow dry her hair in the mirror she likes to admire herself and say how pretty she is. This was put to an end recently when I realized, that although harmless enough, a four year old admiring herself turns into a sixteen year old completely involved in herself and her looks. She is learning that it is okay to admire the beauty that God has given us, but instead of praising ourselves for it, we must praise He that made us in His beautiful image. It has been a sweet time to hear her, now on her own, say to God, "Thank you God for making my hair and teeth and for making everything." I pray that this heart in her continues to grow. I don't wish that she be popular with boys or other girls. I don't want her to be a cheerleader or be the next American Idol. If anyone says to me ever that they can see a true and pure spirit in her heart and recognize a true love of others within her, then I will know I have done the job God has given me to do as her mother. It is an arduous task in this day and age, but one I am willing to dedicate my life to.

In Addendum

I wrote the previous post this morning before I went to church and since coming home, I realized that I didn't share the whole story....an important part.

Because Daddy died in October, the streets in our neighborhood were already filled with the usual Halloween decorations when we made our way home from the funeral that day. In our family, my parents had long since felt the conviction to not have our family participate in Halloween celebrations. We used to trick or treat when we were kids, but God had spoke to them clearly when we were still young that Halloween was not a holiday that was honoring to Him and so we quit trick or treating and did not involve ourselves with any part of the day other than dressing in theme for the church's fall festivals each year. Because of this lifestyle choice, I had become accustomed to ignoring the witches and ghosts hanging on the doors and in the trees of homes during the month and not giving the whole holiday much thought. But something struck me about Halloween the day that we turned onto our street after my dad's funeral. On the lawn of the corner house there was more than just the usual witches and ghosts-there were about five lifesize replicas of caskets standing on end with the doors half open and several tombstones scattered around the yard. I remember gasping when I saw them even though I had seen them everyday before and paid no attention. Having just come from the real life scene of watching pallbearers close and seal the casket on the body of my own daddy and living that enormous pain, how could anyone use death as fun and games or make light of it as to celebrate it? I understood in that moment a new conviction for myself about Halloween and also something about the heart of my Saviour. First, for me, death is horrific and awful and to particpate in any kind of holiday that holds death in high esteem is out of the question for me. I made a commitment that day to follow that conviction that still guides us even now with our daughter. Second, I heard clearly the voice of the Lord say to me that day that He is as sad, angry, mad, etc at death as I am. He never created death. He created us to live eternally with Him in the joy of relationship with each other and Him. But, we who chose and still choose sin over Him made death a reality and so when we grieve, He grieves too. The amazing thing is that God wasn't satisfied to leave us in our sin and ultimate death. Like everything He does, God chose to take our mistakes and grave situation and turn it into an opportunity for us to trust Him to overcome in our circumstance. My Saviour, my Jesus, who knew NO sin, willingly endured the pain and wickedness of death He did not create, so that death would have no victory over my life or any other. There is no celebration in death-only celebration in the victory that Jesus won over death when He rose from that death bed and shattered the hold that death had over us. Now, in light of this victory, we have the opportunity to choose life eternally again, something that was lost in our sin. My dad made that choice-to trust Jesus as his saviour and because I have made that choice as well, I know that I will see him again and LIVE for eternity because death is now just a bridge, not and eternal sentence.

I realized I needed to share this story today when we sang Overcame in church. I've printed the words below and included the video as well. Jesus did overcome for us...in death especially, but He is still overcoming in our daily circumstance. No problem, no fear, no relationship is too far gone that God will not overcome for you if you submit your will to Him and trust that He will.

Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son perfect and spotless one
He never sinned, but suffered as if he did

All authority, every victo-ry is Yours
All authority, every victory is Yours

Savior, worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever, awesome and great is Your name, You overcame

Power in hand speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out, light in this broken land

We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony, everyone overcome

October 22, 2002

You know that feeling that comes over the atmosphere right before September 11th every year? That eery feeling of how you were living life as usual and then out of nowhere the world changed. I've heard many people say that each year they relive that whole week in their minds and the stress of just thinking about it in that way causes anxiety like it was truly happening again.

That happens to me each year the third week of October too. Six years ago today I was in Abilene for a wedding and Jason's truck was having some problems. I called my dad from Abilene for advice on what to do and my normally very loving, cheerful and helpful daddy was irritated and quick to get off the phone. He said he wasn't feeling good-a stomach bug maybe, but he wasn't in a good mood. The day before, we had had a great day together waiting for Jason to get off of work. We ate lunch together and watched A Knight's Tale-Daddy's first time and he loved it just like I knew that he would. We got home late that night and the next night went to play games at a friend's house. I came in late to my parents' house that night too (we were living with them while our house was being remodeled) and heard my dad call to me to get him a wet washcloth. He had fever and needed to cool down. I was sure he had a virus. Tuesday morning I went to work as usual-Daddy seemed better...even cheerful. Mama told me later that he rode around in his work truck with my brothers just watching because of his broken and casted leg. Then, at 2:15 I get a call at work that Daddy has collapsed at home and the ambulance is taking him to the ER. My uncle was there and drove me to the hospital right behind the loud sirens of the ambulance. My brother, being trained in ER told us when we got there that they don't turn on the sirens unless it's really serious. We waited and waited. Then a doctor came to tell me, my mom and my two brothers, all holding hands that they were "doing everything we can to save his life". My mom lost the muscles in her legs and we had to hold her up. The mom I had before that moment left forever in that moment. More waiting all day. About 100 people showed up to honor Daddy and give support. Some brought food even to the hospital. Most stayed for the long hall. Some good news came when they moved Daddy to ICU and told us he had a blood clot in his leg that they needed to break up. They said he would be there at least five days. Jason and I went home to get mom some food and her meds, but never made it there. On the way, a friend called to say that I needed to come back immediately and by the time we got there, no one was allowed in his room because the doctors were working on him. My mom was in the corner on the floor crying and praying. I paced I think for a while. Finally, the door opened and without a word, I knew what the outcome had been by the look on the group of doctors faces. His longtime general practicioner came out with his head hung and that's when I knew. Jason tells me that I screamed, but I don't remember that. I couldn't hear a sound. All of the sudden I was on the phone listening to the tears of friends, more like family that were far away and wanting desperately to be there with us. Eventually, that group of thirty or so that had stayed to the end, ended up in my daddy's room overlooking his peaceful, lifeless body. Nothing felt right. In the two hours before he passed, my dad struggled to breathe using all of his strength to make sure that his own father knew that Daddy was going to Heaven and that he wanted him to go to. He told his dad to "trust Jesus" and to talk to my mom later with all the questions he must have. The only thing I knew to do in that moment to honor this amazing man was to sing. I knew then and know now that Daddy was absent from his body, but present with God and so we sang a song of hope for the day we will all be together again. Thirty people in a room, holding hands, singing through tears "When We All Get to Heaven".
Three days later we had a funeral with more than 400 people there to honor my dad. Our grief was softened when, after the gospel was presented, a childhood friend of my dad's came down that day to make a profession of faith in Christ.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my daddy. He is by far the best man I've ever known on this earth. I am grateful and feel like royalty to have had him as my father. Amazingly, I see him in my little girl. Her bright blue eyes, sweet smile and her love for people and for all things fun. She knows how to truly live just like my dad. Someday, I'll get to introduce her to him and he'll hand her all the balloons he's collected for her that she's let go through the years.

You Know Your Child is Adopted When....

....you are sitting at the town square enjoying some yummy Milwaukee Joe's with your family and your daughter is waving to a baby and her family and blurts out to the baby's mother "Did your baby grow in your tummy?" Then, with puzzled looks lingering on the other family's faces, you have to explain that your child was adopted and that you explain this miracle to her by saying that she didn't grow in your tummy, but in another lady's tummy and then God brought her to us. The couple smile and say "That's great!" but you still have to have a talk with your child all the way home about how most children do grow in their mommy's tummies, so let's not ask that question especially to perfect strangers.

My mom, who witnessed the whole thing said, "I never once experienced anything like that when you kids were little". She's right, but we do experience them almost on a daily basis in some form. I find these things hilarious and another excuse to marvel at the Joy and miracle that God has gifted us with in our little girl.

Raylen's First Day of Homeschool!

We are off to a late start, but as of today we are officially homeschoolers! Woo Hoo! We got off to a late start because I could not find an acceptable "deal" on the curriculum Jason and I had picked out back in May at the homeschool book fair. After months of searching and MANY Ebay losses, I was referred to a great little shop called The Book Cover which sells used homeschool curriculum. On Saturday, my mom, Raylen and I stopped at the shop as an afterthought on our way home from a day full of garage sale-ing. I didn't plan on finding much and was dissappointed to learn that they didn't have the books I was looking for. But, the ladies were so friendly and pointed me in another direction that enabled me to get virtually the same thing I was going to get in a little different format for 1/5 of what I was going to spend! I LOVE a bargain! I stayed up until midnight last night doing my lesson plans for the fall and woke up bright and early (4:45 am!) to get our supplies together. We had a great day of learning: Math-counting to twelve and learning about a dozen; Virtues-Sharing while making blown bubble paint art; Seasons-Celebrating Fall and Families with a handprint family tree and singing songs and doing finger plays about starting school. It was such a fun day!

A couple of neat things to share: At the store the other day, I told the ladies there that my mom had homeschooled us. They immediately wanted to know the years that we were in school. I found out that day that homeschooling had been illegal in Texas until 1982 and had cases still pending in Arlington during the years we started, 1989. It was such a fun memory to have my mom and teacher there with me to get my curriculum to start teaching my young daughter. Back in those days of homeschooling, it wasn't always pretty, but I am grateful for mom/teacher heros like mine who plowed through anyway, making the way easier for me and Raylen.

Also, I want to publically praise God for the miraculous ways He has worked in our home preparing our lives and hearts to homeschool Raylen. He has taught me invaluable lessons on praying and waiting on Him while speaking directly to Jason instructing him to lead us in this direction. I marvel at the transitions our family has gone through in the last couple of years and the truly miraculous growth in the last year. I can say with confidence that God never leaves us or forgets the tiniest of our heart's desires.

Enjoy photos from today!

Snack Time! Apple Slices....yum!

Counting to twelve and learning about a dozen-This was a BIG hit!

Learning to share-Raylen takes a turn blowing the bubble paint while Ella holds the paper to catch the bubbles.

Raylen colors her handprints on her Fall Family Tree

Deep Thoughts with Raylen Smith

Every now and again I get a moment of clarity. A moment that defines all others and brings everything else into perspective. I had one of those moments today.

As you know, I wrecked my car last week and while we've been waiting to go buy a new car, I have been driving a borrowed early model Dodge truck. It has a pseudo back seat, but Ray's car seat doesn't fit back there, so she rides next to me in the front. It's been kind of fun because she likes holding my hand and we sing songs and she talks...alot. This morning on the way to church was no different. For whatever reason, during one of her stories she said "Mommy, you are my mommy and nobody else's right?" I said "yes, just yours." Then she said, "And you're always going to be my mommy and not leave and be someone else's mommy?" I wanted to cry! I told her no, I would never leave her and I would always be her mommy and that God had given her to me and me to her and no one can undo what God has done. She was satisfied and went on to talk about one of her friends from church, but I was left thinking.

From time to time, things like this come up in conversation with Raylen. I call her my Forever Girl during the day and she smiles. She deals with emotions that most children don't. She remembers the day that we became a forever family. She knows that she didn't always live with us or that she didn't grow in my tummy. As much as we celebrate those things, her questions today reminded me that there is a flip side to her emotions that leave her unsure of what comes next given the shakiness of her start in life. Thinking about my four year old daughter's deep well of emotions left me feeling even more grateful and proud to be her mommy. I honestly can't think of a greater privelage in this world than to be able to look at a child and promise them that you will always be their parent and being able to literally see security fill their eyes.

As usual, I drifted off thinking of all the children not as fortunate as Raylen who still wait day after day praying for a forever family. They don't have anyone to reassure them that their forever is secure. May I take another opportunity to ask you to turn their future around? You have the privelage and the responsibility of giving these little lives security. I know it's scary and difficult and you may not even know where to start. But, think right now about where you would be without the person or people in your life that gave you your future. Can and would you deny that same blessing to these that beg for it in their hearts? As I've said before, PLEASE pray and consider your role in adoption! EVERYONE has a part! Parents, financers, prayer partners and supporters all have equal roles to fill. I can tell you from personal experience that there is NOTHING in my life that has ever measured up to Jason and I laying down our pride and fears and opening our hearts to Raylen. We were imperfect before her and are imperfect even now, but a miracle happened to us the moment we met her and I am convinced that you can experience that miracle too. You can be somebody's forever.