NEVER say never

Today I am doing the worst part of packing up-trying to pack and organize all the last little things that somehow didn't make it into the correct boxes that are now all taped up. I'm trying to avoid the inevitable: all of this random "junk" getting thrown into an empty laundry basket for me to dig through later. All of this has given me time to think about this move and press into what the Lord is saying to me.

One, He is talking to me about the importance of never saying never. I've learned alot the last two years at our wonderful church about making inner vows and how they can be curses in our lives. Most of the time we don't even realize we are making these vows. "I'll never be like her" or "I won't ever forgive them". What we do when we say these things is to set in motion a web of bondage in our hearts and lives. These vows entangle us, keeping us from living a life of true freedom. For me, some of my inner vows have come out the last few months and upon first glance, they look very trivial and not seeming to have the power of the bondage making kind of vows. But, digging deeper, I've found that these vows are the very thing that God is using to teach me something about my walk with Him.

Vow one: "I'll NEVER move to Abilene." Abilene is obviously not Iraq, but for a big city girl like me, it seems like a dry, desolate small town with little action going on. Add on the fact that my family is not there, my friends are not there and there are only two non-country radio stations, it was not my first choice of places in America to live. However, God has so clearly and plainly called us to move to Abilene that He has fashioned my heart to meet His desires. I WANT TO GO! I know! It shocks me too! But, I can't wait to get there and see what He has for us.

Vow two: "I'll NEVER buy a house that has a swing front garage." This seems pretty silly to even write, but it is my latest "Ah-ha Moment" that came this morning and it had big impact on me. For years, Jason and I have driven around the metroplex looking at homes and dreaming of purchasing the perfect one for us one day. When we looked at floor plans and curb appeal, I never liked the houses that have the garages that swing right in front of the door. The plus is that you can't see the garage door from the road, but the downside is that you walk out your front door onto cement and cars can pull up basically to your front door. Not a fan. (If you have one of these homes, I do apologize....I'm sure it's lovely!) But, I'll give you ONE guess as to what kind of house we are purchasing....that's right. The very kind I said I'd NEVER buy. And yet again, I am head over heels ectastic about the house! The garage is actually going to be a perfect retreat for my football/man cave loving hubby who wants to grill and have lots of parties right on all that cement.

So, when this second vow came to mind this morning, I asked the Lord why He was so bent on taking these seemingly trivial things and doing the exact opposite. His reply astounded me. He answered me by reminding me of how different my whole life had gone from the way I had promised it would when I was young. By now, I should have had four biological children, graduated from college, married a white collar man and have a cocker spaniel. Opposite, opposite, opposite. Okay, Lord, obviously you've been trying to talk to me about this for a while now, so what are you wanting to say? I'm listening. He told me that He really isn't interested in the details of what I want or don't want. He could have just as easily given me all the things I thought I wanted as younger Jenn and He certainly didn't have to move me to Abilene or give me a swing garage house just to irritate me. He said that He is after my freedom...my abandonment. (There's that word again, Lord!) He's calling me (and this is the part that floored me) to live so abandoned that I wake up each day to literally walk with Him seeing where He will take me and what He will show me. In my last post about abandonment, I didn't even fully get this. I was "sold out" to Him to do whatever with me, but still I was more about me on my journey and if He wanted to interrupt me I could be fine with it. Today, I'm understanding that me has to be out of the picture. The wild adventure that He wants to have with me is one that can only happen when I come to Him with no agenda, no plans, no thoughts at all except to hang onto Him and enjoy.

When I think about that, it gets me pretty excited. I envision myself in a flowing white sundress with no shoes on, holding onto Sweet Jesus' hand and running along side wild horses on the beach. That's the kind of life I want. Sweet and wild abandon to the Redeemer of my heart. I'm sure that this isn't the last lesson on my journey with Him, but my eyes are open and I'll never...err....I'm keeping them that way!