Tuesday I took our sweet baby girl to her 4 month check up. All is fine except she's beginning to develop a flat head. Ask my mother and she'll blame this generation's rule not allowing tummy sleep, but the doctor said she needs more awake tummy time. At 4 months, she hasn't rolled over yet and screams so the Russians can hear when I put her on her tummy time play mat. Ten minutes of screaming twice a day won't hurt her, says the doc. So I come home and attempt to suffer through ten minutes watching the poor girl scream.
As I'm watching her wailing little body with one eye and the other on the clock, I began to ache with her, so identifying with that pain. It seemed familiar to me, seeing her kick and scream, helpless to get out on her own. The worst part I think, was that she knew I was there watching her. Why wasn't I saving her from this misery, she must have thought.
The scene seemed familiar to me because I'm on my own tummy time play mat right now. This whole situation with her birth father and the uncertainty of who will be her forever parents is nauseatingly similar. I couldn't be more powerless to get us out of this situation. In fact, every attempt from my tenacious personality to fix this has been shut down. I've been forced to rely solely on my prayers, the ferocious prayers of my friends and family and the steadfast love of The Lord. What??? Rely on Him alone?! But, I'm so used to fixing things with His help on the side. That's the way I like it. That's what's comfortable. This way hurts. Really bad.
And so my cycle each day is wake up fighting anxiety and fear, beg The Lord to take this away, cry, declare His goodness, fight anxiety and fear, beg The Lord to take this away, cry...I think you see the pattern. This gets particularly exhausting while taking care of four kids and a home.
And sometimes the worst part is knowing that He's there with me, watching me, aching for me, but won't save me. I want to be angry at Him. I want to scream! But, I know He's a much better Daddy then I am a Mommy and he doesn't want me to have a spiritual flat head anymore than I want my sweet baby to have a physical one. He knows that pain for a little while yields victory for eternity and He won't rob me of that victory because I'm uncomfortable with pain.
Honestly, right now, the understanding of this doesn't make it better. I'm still desperate for Him every moment and continue to beg Him to move mountains and shake the ground so we can raise this beautiful girl as our own. But seeing His perspective in a natural way does remind me of His vast love for me and I know His heart has only good for me.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
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