Support in the Prep

One of the things I am very passionate about when it comes to adoption is a strong support system for each family.  Unlike a usual pregnancy, adoptions most often take more than a year to complete and some go well beyond that.  Aside from the piles of paperwork and the training time specific to each style adoption, there is very often little to know preparation time for the new child.  In our technology driven world where pregnant mothers can know the gender of their child, see their actual facial features before birth and schedule their delivery dates, the adoptive parent rarely knows any of this including the specific age of their child.

One of the main reasons it is so important for an adoptive family to have a strong support system around them is because of the general unknowing of it all.  Aside from offering support with the ups and downs emotionally, the financial commitment and the toll on marriages and siblings, supporters can take much of the stress off of a family by helping with the preparations for the new arrival.  Here's some ideas how support in the prep might look:

• Offer to help paint and/or set up the nursery/bedroom.  Many times an adoptive family is so engulfed in the details of paperwork that the "fun stuff" can be pushed to the side or left to an inconvenient time--like the day the child is coming! For a family hoping for an infant especially after struggling with infertility, a supporter who offers to help with preparation of the nursery helps to make the process seem more real for the family and helps to simulate the traditional idea of nesting for expectant moms.  For families adopting toddlers and older, an inviting room is an important way to welcome that child and make them feel at home.  It helps to reduce fears and bond them in their new home.
• Throw a party!  Everyone loves a party and adoptive families are no different!  Brides and expectant moms everywhere are usually showered with fun parties and gifts.  Supporters can offer this same gift to adoptive parents that actually addresses two important needs: Gifts help the family afford all of the new items needed for the child and it also shows a huge measure of support to have friends and family celebrating the new arrival with the family. 
• Don't underestimate the value of your excitement shared with an adoptive family. While outsiders can't see with their eyes the transformation growing within the family, make no mistake, there is a transformation happening!  Similar to a pregnant mother, an adoptive mother often finds herself preoccupied and day dreaming of the new family member.  And like most expectant fathers, adoptive dads are usually silently weighing their fears and responsibilities that come with this change.  Supporters shouldn't be afraid to call or ask the family frequently how things are going or for updates on their progress.  As much as possible, an adoptive family wants to know that their loved ones are excited with them and care about the huge change that is happening to their family.

We are very fortunate to have an amazing group of supporters that have and continue to take such good care of us during this process.  Here are some ways they helped us with the preparation for our little bundle.

 My mom came the day after our licensing was completed and worked LONG hours making the nursery bedding.

 My wonderful friends from our lifegroup were so generous to throw us a beautiful vintage inspired baby shower. It was perfect! I had such a fun time!

 After we got our baby, my forever friends from my hometown got together for afternoon sip and see.  My mom made delicious treats and my BFF Christie hosted us in her home and organized an enormous gift basket of goodies from several friends.  I can't show a lot of photos because the baby is in them, but here I am in a Christi(e) sandwich!

While we were visiting my hometown, we visited my aunt and uncle and three of my cousins were able to come meet M&M.  Again, can't show alot of pics, but here's my cousin Emily chowing down at the party :) 

There are SO many other ways that we were supported during our prep for baby that I don't have photos for.  Countless times we were prayed over, called, hugged and encouraged.  One of the major ways came when got the call for our baby just one day after starting the process to replace the tile ALL through our house!  Mighty men from our lifegroup and beyond dedicated many hours and backbreaking labor to finish our floors in record time.  We couldn't have made it without them!

Thanks to everyone who is in our beloved support system.  We are so grateful for your presence in our life!!!

What's DNA got to do with it

I had to take our M&M baby to get a DNA test done last week.  The test in and of itself was fairly easy, but it got me thinking about a lot of things.  I came to the conclusion that there are more important things than DNA in many areas of life.

For instance, I recall all of the MANY years of struggling with infertility and childlessness and the many well-meaning friends and family who would try to persuade us to try something new to solve our fertility issues.  We of course heard the normal IVF ideas, but acupuncture, surrogacy and even visiting the statue of a fertility goddess were all mentioned for us to try.  My favorite so-called solution suggestion came from an OB nurse I knew from teaching her daughter in preschool.  She suggested that my still fertile mother and my husband mix DNA in a test tube and then I carry the offspring of my husband and mother.  That way, she said, the child would still have my DNA.  Wouldn't I be carrying my sibling/step-child???

No, we heard early on from the Lord that none of these paths were for us to follow and He even had us steer clear of some more easy and accepted paths.  When we would carefully explain our position to questioning loved ones, we often heard the response that didn't we want a child that looked like us, had our DNA?

At breakfast this morning, I sat across my very lively eight year old daughter.  Even though I didn't meet her until she was almost two, so much life has happened to and between us that I don't remember her not being mine.  I have no knowledge of what it feels like to have a person growing inside of you and yet, it feels like I have a memory of her being there.  It is the weirdest thing.  Looking at her across the table this morning, I had to physically make myself remember that she doesn't share my DNA.  It was confusing for me.

I often hear the same language we heard from our loved ones coming from those grappling with adoption.  They say they want to see what their offspring would look like and they want to know their child is "theirs".  These words confuse me just the same as I was this morning.  I have learned first hand that DNA isn't the end all be all.  No, DNA is the mud that God uses to make up these bodies that carry the very soul and breath that He gives each of us.  The Bible says He made us in His image so don't we carry His DNA in the marrow of our souls? 

Right now, there are people who make claims on children they've never met and can't care for simply because they share DNA.  In the meantime, there are those of us who bathe and feed, sing and pray over, tickle and rock, kiss and hold those same little lives and pour our own hearts into them, all without a drop of matching DNA.  Which deposit is making more of a mark on their hearts and lives?

I have strong DNA.  I look very much like both my mom and my dad.  My little brother is a spitting image of my dad at his age and we often comment on that.  We were excited to see that my other brother bears a strong resemblance to our great grandfather after finding old black and white photos from the turn of the century.  These are things to celebrate.  We love our parents and our family and are grateful to bear resemblance.  But, what we cherish more is the legacy they have left and the life they pour into us whether we look like them or not. 

These are just my thoughts.  Thoughts that come tumbling out as we navigate through this road with M&M.  We love her.  We love her sister.  We couldn't imagine loving them more.  I'm so glad that we didn't do any of the crazy or not-so-crazy things to force ourselves to get pregnant.  If we had, we would've missed out on the biggest blessings we never created.  :)

A New Adventure

Does anyone blog anymore?  I'm not sure, but as my mother pointed out to me, writing is therapeutic and sometimes you just have to get your thoughts out of your head.  I haven't written a post on this blog in some time.  A lot of life has happened and some of it has been pretty hard.  I guess I really didn't want to see it in print.  Now we find ourselves in an exciting/challenging/scary adventure and I lose myself most days in the "what ifs" alone in my head.  Hopefully, putting out my thoughts, whether they're read or not, will prove to be my therapy.

Our current adventure is a similar one that we've been on before, but oh so different.  We are currently fostering (hoping to adopt!) a beautiful, one month old baby girl.  Our journey with her goes back to April, when we first felt the nudging from the Lord to go the foster to adopt route.  Licensed at the end of June, we had a few placement calls that were nearly ours, leaving our hearts raw and tender.  Then, in mid September, our call came.  Only three days old, our M&M baby was delivered to our doorstep tiny and precious.  Instantly in love, she has captured all of our hearts.

Initially we were told that her case would be an easy one to move into adoption.  We were thrilled after waiting so long to adopt again and from the long and hard work of adopting Raylen six years ago.  As the days have gone on, we have found that the word easy isn't in the vocabulary anymore.  While one birth parent is not suitable to care for her, the presumed other birth parent is vowing to fight for her. Believe it or not, there is yet another person involved wanting her, all without knowing anything about her.

It's a very hard thing to describe, the feeling that other people want to take your child.  While I know that legally she isn't ours yet, we are the ones up with her every two hours, the ones seeing her first smile, the ones worrying about her every sneeze or fever.  She is ours in every practical sense of the word and our hearts are bonded.  She is a mommy's girl already, not wanting to be put down and really just wanting me to hold her.  When you spend every moment of your day with that kind of love in your arms, it is a lightning bolt to your heart when someone says they want to take that from you.

There are positives right now.  Nothing can be decided for a year.  She is with us for at least a year while anyone seeking custody proves themselves.  Even after that year, we will have so much standing with her that we will have as much or more right to her as a biological parent.  In the thick of it though, it's hard to remember the positives.

For a long time now, I've been asking the Lord to increase my faith in Him.  Several people at different times have prayed over me and asked the Lord to deepen my dependance to Him.  I am learning now that He is doing that, it just doesn't look like the computer style download to my brain I was thinking it would.  I have to walk this journey out day by day in complete faith in Him, standing firm on His word. Loving anyone isn't easy.  There are ups and downs and in all truth, none of us are guaranteed that we have another day with the ones we love.  Fostering is no different.

If you would like, we would be so grateful for your prayers during this journey with M&M baby.  Here are some pressing things to pray for now:

• We have a hearing on November 7th.  We will possibly meet the other parties involved.  Please pray for favor with the judge and for grace in our hearts toward the other family members.
• Please pray for JOY in our home.  From the top down, this can bring weariness in all our hearts.  Please pray against that.