Adoption Journey Journal V

This is probably my most joyous of emails yet...and one I know most of you
have been waiting desperately for.

Yes, I did get to meet with the birth mother on Saturday and it went great!
I met her at noon at a local McDonald's and when she walked in I knew
instantly that it was her. We greeted, both with big smiles and sat down
to talk. She told me that her friend was coming in that drove her so I
waited a minute before jumping in because I wanted to make sure of what I
was dealing with the friend. The mom immediately dove in telling me about
all she was trying to do to get her life back on track and how she had
wanted to see her daughter but she wasn't allowed to. (This I know is
untrue, but I just let her talk) At first I felt defeated because she
sounded like she wanted the baby back, but then I literally felt a kick in
the lower portion of my back which caused my mouth to open and then words
just came pouring out.

I told her all about ourselves and how we wanted a family and what we would
like to give "her" daughter. I talked about our faith and hopes for
college for her and about wanting to live in the country and traveling the
country for vacations. She teared up many times at the thought of these
things and said that this was what she wanted for her daughter. I told her
that there was no judgement on our part towards her, but that we knew she
wasn't in a position to give her these things. I told her that the best
part about this option was she being able to be apart of the baby's life
throughout the years. I told her we would send pictures and letters and if
she wanted to see her, she could call and we would set up a time depending
on the situation. She was thrilled at that. The lady that was with her
loved the idea and kept telling her that this was the right thing to do.
At the end of the visit, I asked her if this was something that she would
be willing to do and she said yes, but that she wanted a couple of days to
think about it. I told her I absolutely understood and to take her time
except that we should move fairly quickly on this because CPS could come
and have her adopted and she would never be able to see her again. When we
stood up and after I shook the other lady's hand, I held her hand and her
arm and told her I was so glad to have met her. She grabbed me and hugged
me and with tears in her eyes told me that she was so glad to have met me
too.

I left there on cloud nine! Not because she was probably going to do this,
but because I knew a miracle had happened there. Many miracles in fact.
How amazing was it that I had the strength to go in the first place and
then amazing above everything else was that I felt actual love for this
woman. No judgement. Just love. Only God does that, believe me. I know
my heart and how it works. I could have easily have judged her and would
have if not for God working through me.

Well, guess what. The miracles don't end there. At 7:30pm that night, I
got a call from Raylen's aunt who said she had just checked her mail and
there was a letter in there from the birth dad. He had written one to her
and one to us. They both said that he would sign the adoption papers!!!!
Can you believe that??? Amazing! God is answering our prayers and making
our path straight. He has laid out this road for us and we are happy to
walk it by faith. When I was on the phone with the aunt, I asked her,
"Have you ever seen such a miracle?" and she said, "I thought when my
children were born that would be the last time I saw God move, but I was
wrong because this is a miracle!" Jason and I were overwhelmed with
emotion upon hearing that.

On Friday night before all of this happened, some dear friends gathered
with us to pray corporately for the meeting with the birth mother and for
the things going on right now. It was a wonderful and emotional time of
prayer, but also thanksgiving for all that God is doing in our lives. In
my prayers that night and every night I am reminded of what God has already
done for me well before this time with Raylen. In fact, I learned and
understood a long time ago through the Jewish teachings my Mom used to do
in Vacation Bible School, that God has already done enough for me. I'll
explain. When the modern day Passover meal is celebrated, there is a part
at the end where the guests sing an upbeat song while literally pounding on
the table called "Dayenu" The word means "It would have been enough". The
song's stanzas say "If He would have just brought us out of
Egypt...Dayenu..." and goes on to list all the things that God has done for
the children of Israel and for us each ending with "Dayenu"...It would have
been enough. But the miracle is that He continued to do more and more and
still does. So I know and I say with you, that if He would have just sent
His Son to die for us and raised Him from the grave so we could live with
Him for Eternity, Dayenu...it would have been enough. But He didn't stop
there for me...or for you. I thank Him for all the gifts He has given
me...salvation, my husband, my family, my friends, my pets, health,
prosperity, education, nationality, freedom, and now for this precious
baby. It reminds me of yet another song that we sing in church that fills
my heart now:

Amazing Love how can it be?
That You my King would die for me
Amazing Love I know it's true!
It's my joy to honour You
In all I do I honour You

I hope that each of you know and see with your eyes the value of your
prayers! God is doing miracles today in our life and I know He is also
about doing them in your life as well! We don't want this "Mountain Top
Experience" to end when the papers are signed and we go on about life.This is what God intends life to be! To see Him at work daily and to join
Him in that work. Please also let us know where we can join you in prayer
so that we can see God do great things for you as He has done for us. We
are filled with deep love for each of you for walking this journey with us.
Please keep praying....

Adoption Journey Journal IV

Hello!

Well, we are not officially all Smiths yet, but we are all three together
and that is a step!

We picked up our angel on Thursday night and drove straight to Abilene for
a long weekend. This may sound funny that we did this but we needed to get
away and relax and let off some of the pressure we have been feeling for
weeks. We did just that. Ray Ray had such a good time playing with
Madisyn (her cousin) and running around. She rode on the golf cart with
her Nawni and tried to ride the four wheeler (really she just climbed up
there by herself and we took pictures) and did a little fishing with Daddy.
At one point she got loose and ran to the sprinkler with clothes and shoes
on and drenched the "Daddy Loves me" shirt that Nawni had just bought her.
Oh well...it made for a big laugh and some great pictures.

We came home on Sunday to spend the evening with my mom and brothers, etc.
It was a good night because Mom was going in for back surgery on Monday.
Ray Ray loves her Granna and she can't wait till she is well enough to
really play with her. She also really enjoyed rubbing Uncle Joey's head
because he had freshly shaved it that day to cope with the heat. Uncle
Bubba is still warming up to her, but she has bonded with Aunt Kristle
already and loved posing for pictures with her.

We spent all day on Monday at the hospital and napping. Mom went home on
Monday afternoon, but we got a call at 3:30 on Tuesday morning saying she
was headed back to the hospital because she was in pain and the doctor was
afraid there was more wrong. I left the hospital at 5:45 to relieve Jason
at home so he could go to work. We found out later that morning that Mom
was going to stay a few days in the hospital because she has inflammation
in her back and since she is diabetic and the steroids they are giving her
to stop that inflammation would elevate her blood sugar, they wanted to
monitor her for that. She is still there and doing well.

Raylen is staying with my grandmother today and will hopefully start a
day-care next week. I would ideally love to find an in home day care that
I could really trust, but I haven't found anything yet. We are praying for
God to make all of those financial and logistic problems work out
perfectly.

Ray Ray is an angel. Literally. I can't tell you what a blessing she is
to us. Of course, she is almost 2. That can't be ignored and she is in to
everything! She is so busy! We are completely worn out and even my
coworkers today commented on my lovely dark circles under my eyes. But how
worth it. We are extremely blessed.

I am trying to contact the birth mom today but so far the numbers I have
for her aren't working. I will also try to send something to her shelter
to set up a meeting with her. My friend is putting together a special
prayer time before that meeting (when it is scheduled) to specifically pray
for her heart to be open and willing to sign so this does not have to go to
court.

I thought of something this morning when I was thinking about writing to
you today. As much as God is teaching Jason and I through this and
sustaining us and even though it sounds all nice and pretty on these
emails, we are humans and it isn't always pretty behind closed doors. For
instance, I have been letting fear seep in far too much and I take out my
stress on my husband by getting frustrated with him when he doesn't know
what I am thinking in my head automatically. Imagine that. And I feel as
though I have post partum anxiety (which I know is impossible given that I
have used no hormones to get Ray Ray here). I could laugh or cry or scream
at any given moment for no reason at all. I had an emotional break down in
Abilene this weekend and needed to talk to my Mom who thankfully calmed me
down. Everything is happening so fast that my head is spinning. I say all
of this to be honest with you and really share who we are and how life
really is. The true blessing of all of this though is that we have deep
and constant love for each other and for our little girl. Love covers over
a multitude of sin doesn't it? We are reminded daily of our joy and that
God is with us right where we are in whatever emotion we are having. One
of the encouraging things that has happened recently is Raylen (all on her
own) has started coming up to me and patting me on the leg and saying "My
Mommy" over and over. I take that as a sign to keep on trucking and keep
the faith.

One last thing to share. We don't have any kids cd's yet so Ray Ray and I
sing together a lot. She loves to sing much to my joy so we sing in the
car, in the tub and in the stores when she's restless. I have been singing
hymns to her because I want her to love them like Jason and I do and have
that foundation of our faith. One of the ones that we sing is "Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus. Sweetest Name I Know". Yesterday in Target, she was
restless and she started saying "Jeshus, Jeshus, Jeshus" so I started
singing the song quietly with her. It hit me all at once as I was singing
the words:

There's within my heart a melody
Jesus whispers sweet and low
Fear not I am with thee Peace be still
In all of life's ebb and flow

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Sweetest name I know
Fills my every longing
And keeps me singing as I go

He is with us and will be with us no matter what comes and what goes. I
know He has filled my every longing...He did that well before He even gave
us Ray Ray...He adopted me as His own, but even now He keeps us singing as
we go on this journey.

Thank you for your prayers. Please keep lifting us up. Your eternal
reward is far greater than any thanks I can give you.

Adoption Journey Journal III

Happy Monday to everyone!

It is an unusually happy Monday for us this week because as of Saturday
night it was decided that our little angel will come home to live with us
full time on Thursday night! We are so excited! Before everyone gets too
excited, please know that this does not make everything final and we are
still far from that point. However, in order for us to file for custody
with the courts (should we need to go to court if the parents don't sign
the papers) then we will need to rack up as much time as possible with her
in our home. This is a HUGE adjustment as you can imagine because we have
not planned at all for this...but it is so wonderful that we are just
pushing through. Thank you to everyone who has offered their help and
support...We so need it!!!

As you know, anytime you become a parent it is a big deal. We never knew
how big of one until now. For us, this is becoming a very big spiritual
journey as well, thus the reason for these long emails from me! : ) For
me, it helps to write these things out and let you know what we are
learning and what's going on.

As for this week's spiritual awakening, I think it's rather funny that the
last time I wrote I talked about having faith that God has not left you,
etc. and not giving into the fear of being left alone in the "desert"
because, the very day after that, I was hit with a big wave of fear!
(Actually it's not funny at all!) I walked around work all day on Thursday
in a haze and I remember being in the elevator saying out loud (by myself!)
" I know You didn't bring us out here to just leave us here." And that is
the truth and what Jason and I are clinging to. It is enormously scary for
us to keep walking in this direction and it would be so easy to say no and
turn around. But we can't. We press on. At night we hardly talk because
we are in shock still and you can hear our deep breaths louder than the air
conditioner, but we press on. The main thing that keeps us going is
looking far into the future and thinking about how amazing it will be when
our daughter understands all that God has brought her through to give her a
family and all that He has brought us through to give us a child. Every
pain and fear is worth the thought of that moment for us. At night before
she goes to sleep and at meal times, Jason and I hold her hands and we all
close our eyes as Jason prays out loud. He thanks God for "RayRay" and for
the food and then asks God to make us a permanent family and have His way
in our lives. We want her to know from day one Who holds her future.

We are still praying for miracles in our life as well. Our attorney won't
represent us completely until we give her the $10,000.00 retainer. We are
working hard to get that now...we are planning to get second jobs and hold
fund-raisers and even sell a lot of things on Ebay...so if you are an avid
Ebay shopper...watch for our items! We are continuing to pray for the
birth parents that they would quickly and easily sign over their rights so
a long court battle will not be needed. We are also beginning to see the
stress take form in how we speak to each other and are praying for
protection against taking our stress out on one another and isolating
ourselves.

Well, I will leave you this week with another picture of our baby. I can't
help it! I just love her and I want to share her with you! I know some of
you are forwarding my emails on to those I don't have email addresses
for...if you want to send me those emails I can add them to the list.
Thank you for your prayers and support. We love each and every one of you!

Adoption Journey Journal II

Hello again....

We have had an eventful weekend and wanted to share the developments with
you. First, let me say to everyone, thank you for praying for us and
supporting us the way you are. All of the calls and emails have been so
encouraging to us and continue to encourage us as we press on in this
journey.

We were finally able to meet the most beautiful little princess in the
world, Deziray, on Friday of this past weekend. We immediately bonded and
she sat with me the whole time. We were ready to pack her up and bring her
home right then! We made plans with her aunt and uncle to take her on
Fourth of July and introduce her to our families. So, we picked her up at
9 am on Fourth of July and began our day...and our adventure!

We drove to Mingus which is about an hour and a half away from Ft. Worth,
to meet Jason's family who had driven half way from Abilene for lunch. The
visit was great. Deziray had a great time playing with Madisyn, our four
year old niece and she wore herself completely out and slept all the way
home. Later that day we went to my mom's house and she met most of my
mom's family there. She was pretty tired by then, but she still ran around
the place like she owned it! After all of that, we went to a parking lot
and watched fireworks with her and finally put her to bed late that night.
She was exhausted and now so are we! But as Jason put it, it's the best
exhaustion we have ever felt.

So to date, we are waiting for our letter, the "All about us" scrapbook I
put together and the letter that Deziray's aunt and current caregiver wrote
to reach her birth dad. We found out last weekend that he is being
transitioned from his current facility and can have no visitors right now.
Hopefully, he will read the letters and contact us soon so that we can know
where he stands. We continue to pray for his heart to be open to us and
this option so that we don't have to pursue this in court. If he doesn't
respond fondly to the idea, then we will contact the birth mother again and
try that route. Our attorney has told us in no uncertain terms that this
case is definitely winnable, but it will cost a lot of money. In fact, her
firm requires a $10,000.00 retainer before they will begin representing us
officially. We have thought about looking for other attorneys but she is
the best in Texas and we feel comfortable staying with her at this point.

If we do have to go to court, we will need to have as much time saved up
with Deziray actually living with us as possible. So with that said, we
hope to bring her home in the next couple of weeks which we are so excited
about. Of course there are so many things that need to be done, but it is
a joy to do them. My friend gave us some adorable clothes to start her off
with and a crib, which is such a blessing that we don't have to buy!
(Thanks, Jennie!) Her aunt has some antique furniture belonging to one of
Deziray's great grandmothers which she would like her to grow up with so we
will have a whole suite for her.

Right now, we are on cloud nine! We love her so much and can't wait for
her to be truly ours. Please continue to pray that God will miraculously
move in this situation and have HIS way.

I was sharing with a friend the other day and reflecting on what God has
been doing with us for the past almost eight years of our marriage. It has
been a rough road. Marriage can be rough, life can be rough and things
never seem to go the way you planned. I never would have guessed the day
we were married that we would have had a problem starting a family and
through the past 7 1/2 years I have wondered many times and cried many
times over the "why me's". But, I was reminded about a year ago through a
failed attempt to adopt an unborn baby, that God has not forgotten us.
Remember when the Hebrews were slaves to the Egyptians in the Old Testament
and as far as they were concerned they would probably be slaves the rest of
their lives? God revealed Himself to Moses to lead them out of that
slavery into a promise that He would give them. So, here they go..all of
the children of Israel FINALLY get out of there and while they are waiting
around to go to this promised place they start doubting that they are even
going! They doubt God that He is with them or sees them and then they turn
on each other and eventually build an idol to worship because they think
God has forgotten them. Wow. How could they have forgotten that it was
His idea in the first place to bring them out of slavery and give them the
gift in the first place? But, isn't that the way it goes for us too? I
know for Jason and I it is. The years of infertility and worse yet,
childlessness, have proven to be our desert. It's easy to get caught up in
the why me's and think that God has forgotten us. But in our hearts we
KNOW He hasn't. How could He? He led us here and has promised us only
good things to prosper us. I am grateful for these years that I have been
sad and fearful and hopeless...in those feelings and in my sin that seems
to creep up when you doubt God, I have grown so much and truly tested what
I know to be true about God. And you may be thinking that this sounds
great for a girl who now thinks that she will finally be a mother. No. I
am not blind to the chance that this will end up just a dream and that she
won't be ours forever. But the beauty in that is that God is still
remembering us. Even through that. He knows when we are about to die of
hunger and He sends us manna from Heaven. My prayer for you is that you
can know too that God hasn't forgotten you in your desert. Wherever it is.
He sees you and He knows you and more importantly He loves you and can't
wait to lead you into His promise. I am trusting that for me and for you.

I apologize for all my long emails. You know me as a very long winded
person! : ) But thank you for sharing this experience with us and for
holding us up. The THREE of us are eternally grateful.