When Tomato Sauce Hits the Floor

It's been a wild day...and it's only 3:06 pm.  This morning, I woke up, fed the baby, welcomed my daycare child, got dressed, fed the baby, changed the baby, dressed the baby, put the baby to sleep, cleaned our room, scrubbed our bathroom, put away some laundry, fed the baby, changed the baby, loaded car seats, took three munchkins to the post office, mailed my Christmas cards, stopped at the ATM and met my hubby for lunch...with three munchkins.  That was all by 12pm.  You should stop and note here that in the above list you did NOT see "loaded and turned on crockpot" because, well, it didn't happen even though it should have. So, at 1pm, I went on a mad dash to get the crockpot loaded and turned on hoping that the dish that is supposed to cook on low for six hours will be just as good cooking on high for three hours.  This mad dash led me to a true moment.

While browning ground meat and measuring oregano, I began opening a can of tomato sauce.  I guess I misjudged my counter space because as the opener unlocked the last little bit of lid, the whole can fell over and spilled on the floor.  No wait.  It splattered on the floor.  Nope.  It exploded all over the floor, cabinet and drawers below.  Nice.  It looked pretty spiffy next to the whole diced onion I had dropped a few minutes before off the opposite counter.  And to make matters worse, as I went to clean it up, my phone rang with an important call from our foster/adopt agency that I have been waiting for since Friday.  I had to answer it. 

Twenty-five minutes later, I'm riding another roller coaster of emotion and trying to make sense of what-in-the-world is going on with this case now?!  I went to type a quick email to our caseworker and decided to leave a voicemail instead.  I contemplated sitting at my computer and screaming and decided against it so, I walked into the kitchen and saw that not only was there tomato sauce still EVERYWHERE, but the already tardy crockpot, had still not been turned on. 

I raced to get the final things in the pot (including a spare tomato sauce) and flipped the switch to high.  Now to tackle the spilled sauce, which by now has become BFF's with the floor and refuses to be separated with a simple paper towel.  This clean-up job required me to be on my hands and knees scrubbing.  I went all in and as I did, the emotional roller coaster from today's case drama decided to come racing to the surface.  I was on my knees, bowed down and...crying.  Then I heard sweet Holy Spirit say, "You're at my feet anyway.  Why don't you just lay it down?" 

In a swift second, I knew why the tomato sauce had spilled in the first place and I was wrecked.  I ended up laying down on the clean spot below me and crying my guts out to the Lord.  "Move Heaven and Earth, Lord.  Shift the heavenlies and the spiritual realm.  Protect my baby from harm.  But whatever you do, Lord, take this from me because I need you.  I'm laying it down, again."

There are most often times in my life that things spill on the floor, stuff hits the fan or I lose control and I use those situations as ammo for my anger, fear and rebellion.  And then there are days like today, when I find that Jesus will meet me in the place of my brokenness and need even if it's in the middle of an explosion of tomato sauce.  For His presence anywhere, I am so grateful.


To our amazing prayer partners, please continue to pray!  Cry out to the Lord on our baby girl's behalf and ask God to speak to each party involved for clear direction from Him.  Please pray for utmost protection for our baby girl and for a quick resolution to this case in her favor.  Pray against confusion and fear.  There is stuff happening and we KNOW that the Lord bends His ear to listen so we will pray as long as we have breath (Psalm 116:2) We are so thankful for your commitment to pray with us.

It's All Relative

Recently, we got an insurance settlement that enabled us to replace the floors in 75% of our house that previously had old, damaged, pink tile.  I have never liked that tile.  Combine the age and the relentless West Texas dirt and wind, it was just hard to keep clean.  I would find myself complaining about it from time to time throughout the years and then almost immediately be reminded of the sweet ladies in Mexico who sweep their dirt floors in their one room houses each day.  My discomfort is only relative to my prosperity.

It happens in a lot of areas if we stop and think about it.  I like watching home buying television shows, but when the family says, "Oh, we couldn't possibly get by without three bathrooms...granite counter tops....a pool..." I think, really?  Millions of people all over the world get by with a lot less than an out house.  Relative.

I don't think that having nice things or desiring beautiful things is bad.  I just think that we tend to measure what "need" by what we think we should have, not really what we actually need or even deserve for that matter.

This struggle comes out in me in non-materialistic ways too.  I have really found myself judgmental and envious of anybody I see recently with a baby.  They don't know me at all or what we're dealing with right now and yet I am secretly angry at them inside because they don't have to worry about the possibility of losing their child.  I read a blog the other day about a young mother facing a big disappointment in her life and I thought, "Big deal.  No one is telling you they might take your babies from you."  Yucky thoughts from my true heart.  More proof that I desperately need more grace and gentle transformation from my merciful Savior. 

But, in true merciful style, He is gentle when reminding me about all the mothers in the world holding babies carrying cancer and other diseases or the poor, sweet mothers carrying children in their womb they know will pass away shortly after birth.  How do they look at me laughing and playing with my little lambs and reconcile their situation?  It's all relative.

I don't know how to change the way this happens in me or anyone else.  I look to Jesus, the most sincere, kind, loving, strong and giving person to walk this earth.  I have to believe that because He was all God and all man, He knew from the moment He started His ministry (maybe earlier?) that He was going to die.  And yet, He spent three years pouring into ungrateful, shaky-faithed men and loving everyone He met with wild abandon.  I want to be like Him.  If I was Him, I would have been running around yelling at everyone, "You're hungry?! I'm going to die for YOU!  What do you think of that?!?!" Wise choice, God, on not making me the Savior of the world. 

My desires, prayers, wants, needs, hopes and dreams are all relative to where I live, what I have and really, who I am.  May I live each day remembering that circumstances do not define me, there are always others who are hurting more than me, and loving and giving my life for others makes looking like Jesus a little more relative to me.

A Thankful Heart Is a Happy Heart

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we do have a lot to be thankful for.  Confession: the stress of our current situation with M&M baby leaves me more anxious than thankful, I'm sad to say.  There are things I KNOW in my brain like, God is faithful.  He didn't bring us to this point to leave us here.  He loves M&M and us more than we can imagine and has good in His heart for us.  I can't add a single second to my life by worrying.  BUT, in the moments of my day, I find myself analyzing every word spoken by the powers that be in the case and angling each potential moves from each player like I'm in the chess match of my life.  It's exhausting.  So today, I just want to be thankful.  I just want to relish in the moments that God has given us NOW.  As I type, I have two beautiful girls entrusted to me.  One is on the verge of young womanhood with bright eyes each day learning more and more.  Another is literally finding her feet...and her tongue...and her voice and discovering all that she has in this exciting world.  Both have the biggest smiles that melt mine and their daddy's heart.  I am thankful for a husband who works hard for his family, who fights for them fearlessly, who stands up in the face of anything or anyone that would oppose them and who admits when he's wrong and seeks to do better next time.  I am thankful for the opportunity to be thankful and to be in circumstances that draw me to trust more and more in my Savior.

Below is one of my favorite songs.  Yes, it's a Veggie Tale song. But, around our house, we try to sing it often to remind us that we have all we need today to be thankful.  Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!

Taken For Granted

Have you ever thought about the things you take for granted in your life? I thought about some of those things today. I live my life everyday doing much the same things each one of those days and most of the time I barely give a nod to the bigger-than-me miracles that are the wallpaper of my life.

For instance, since today is voting day, I realized how often I forget what a privilege it is to be free. It's not really a right. Someone set me free, both in nationality and spiritually. But I go in and out of my world, demanding my way in parking lots and customer service calls and the like ignoring the fact that I can speak out loud at all.

Then, I realized how much I take for granted that my daughter is mine-no one is going to take her away from me or lay claim to her. Only five years out from the best day of my life when a judge declared her ours, I barely remember the the time when I held my breath round the clock day in and out praying with all I was to have her be mine forever.

And finally, I realized today how much I take the tangible presence of Holy Spirit for granted. Sitting in a court room today, overcome with anxiety that I thought would swallow me, I called out to Him pleading to feel Him there with me, to know that I wasn't alone. At that moment I looked up at the American and Texas flags that flanked the judge's bench. On the top perched two golden eagles. I was immediately reminded about the eagle's story my dear friend Mindy had shared with me many times. Eagles, Mindy says, aren't like any other creature in nature. When a storm comes, instead of turning for shelter away from it, the eagle will go toward the storm, pressing through the storm clouds until the winds lift their wings high above the clouds where they can soar.  They use the storm to their benefit to get to the high place and then watch it from above, relaxing in their natural flight.  Those golden eagles on the flag poles were Holy Spirit's sign He was with me, giving me strength to press above the storm and soar in His peace.  How do I ever take such a gift for granted?

I don't want to take the power of prayer for granted either.  Prayer changes things, this I believe with my whole heart.  Over and over in the Word, God instructs us to pray and petition Him for the things on our heart.  He is not a Father who doesn't hear or care and just like the "petition" of my children, wanting something, we are to plead with Him, bringing our requests to Him regularly.  If you would join us in these petitions, here are the things we are pleading before the Lord right now:

• The He would permanently establish our M&M baby in this family.
• That He would give us His peace and sustain us through this roller coaster of emotions we face each day.
• That He would use this time to grow us in His likeness, teaching us how to give Him glory and praise in all things.
• That He would work miraculously in the hearts and minds of birth families, judges, attorneys and case workers that are involved in this case to do His will for the glory of His name.
• That our M&M baby would be consecrated to Him all the days of her life, no matter which home she grows in and that she would love Him and live her life for His glory.
• That our precious Raylen would be guarded and protected from the emotional ups and downs as we navigate this road.

Thank you for partnering with us.  We are grateful for you and don't take for granted the support and friendship that we are covered in during this time.

Support in the Prep

One of the things I am very passionate about when it comes to adoption is a strong support system for each family.  Unlike a usual pregnancy, adoptions most often take more than a year to complete and some go well beyond that.  Aside from the piles of paperwork and the training time specific to each style adoption, there is very often little to know preparation time for the new child.  In our technology driven world where pregnant mothers can know the gender of their child, see their actual facial features before birth and schedule their delivery dates, the adoptive parent rarely knows any of this including the specific age of their child.

One of the main reasons it is so important for an adoptive family to have a strong support system around them is because of the general unknowing of it all.  Aside from offering support with the ups and downs emotionally, the financial commitment and the toll on marriages and siblings, supporters can take much of the stress off of a family by helping with the preparations for the new arrival.  Here's some ideas how support in the prep might look:

• Offer to help paint and/or set up the nursery/bedroom.  Many times an adoptive family is so engulfed in the details of paperwork that the "fun stuff" can be pushed to the side or left to an inconvenient time--like the day the child is coming! For a family hoping for an infant especially after struggling with infertility, a supporter who offers to help with preparation of the nursery helps to make the process seem more real for the family and helps to simulate the traditional idea of nesting for expectant moms.  For families adopting toddlers and older, an inviting room is an important way to welcome that child and make them feel at home.  It helps to reduce fears and bond them in their new home.
• Throw a party!  Everyone loves a party and adoptive families are no different!  Brides and expectant moms everywhere are usually showered with fun parties and gifts.  Supporters can offer this same gift to adoptive parents that actually addresses two important needs: Gifts help the family afford all of the new items needed for the child and it also shows a huge measure of support to have friends and family celebrating the new arrival with the family. 
• Don't underestimate the value of your excitement shared with an adoptive family. While outsiders can't see with their eyes the transformation growing within the family, make no mistake, there is a transformation happening!  Similar to a pregnant mother, an adoptive mother often finds herself preoccupied and day dreaming of the new family member.  And like most expectant fathers, adoptive dads are usually silently weighing their fears and responsibilities that come with this change.  Supporters shouldn't be afraid to call or ask the family frequently how things are going or for updates on their progress.  As much as possible, an adoptive family wants to know that their loved ones are excited with them and care about the huge change that is happening to their family.

We are very fortunate to have an amazing group of supporters that have and continue to take such good care of us during this process.  Here are some ways they helped us with the preparation for our little bundle.

 My mom came the day after our licensing was completed and worked LONG hours making the nursery bedding.

 My wonderful friends from our lifegroup were so generous to throw us a beautiful vintage inspired baby shower. It was perfect! I had such a fun time!

 After we got our baby, my forever friends from my hometown got together for afternoon sip and see.  My mom made delicious treats and my BFF Christie hosted us in her home and organized an enormous gift basket of goodies from several friends.  I can't show a lot of photos because the baby is in them, but here I am in a Christi(e) sandwich!

While we were visiting my hometown, we visited my aunt and uncle and three of my cousins were able to come meet M&M.  Again, can't show alot of pics, but here's my cousin Emily chowing down at the party :) 

There are SO many other ways that we were supported during our prep for baby that I don't have photos for.  Countless times we were prayed over, called, hugged and encouraged.  One of the major ways came when got the call for our baby just one day after starting the process to replace the tile ALL through our house!  Mighty men from our lifegroup and beyond dedicated many hours and backbreaking labor to finish our floors in record time.  We couldn't have made it without them!

Thanks to everyone who is in our beloved support system.  We are so grateful for your presence in our life!!!

What's DNA got to do with it

I had to take our M&M baby to get a DNA test done last week.  The test in and of itself was fairly easy, but it got me thinking about a lot of things.  I came to the conclusion that there are more important things than DNA in many areas of life.

For instance, I recall all of the MANY years of struggling with infertility and childlessness and the many well-meaning friends and family who would try to persuade us to try something new to solve our fertility issues.  We of course heard the normal IVF ideas, but acupuncture, surrogacy and even visiting the statue of a fertility goddess were all mentioned for us to try.  My favorite so-called solution suggestion came from an OB nurse I knew from teaching her daughter in preschool.  She suggested that my still fertile mother and my husband mix DNA in a test tube and then I carry the offspring of my husband and mother.  That way, she said, the child would still have my DNA.  Wouldn't I be carrying my sibling/step-child???

No, we heard early on from the Lord that none of these paths were for us to follow and He even had us steer clear of some more easy and accepted paths.  When we would carefully explain our position to questioning loved ones, we often heard the response that didn't we want a child that looked like us, had our DNA?

At breakfast this morning, I sat across my very lively eight year old daughter.  Even though I didn't meet her until she was almost two, so much life has happened to and between us that I don't remember her not being mine.  I have no knowledge of what it feels like to have a person growing inside of you and yet, it feels like I have a memory of her being there.  It is the weirdest thing.  Looking at her across the table this morning, I had to physically make myself remember that she doesn't share my DNA.  It was confusing for me.

I often hear the same language we heard from our loved ones coming from those grappling with adoption.  They say they want to see what their offspring would look like and they want to know their child is "theirs".  These words confuse me just the same as I was this morning.  I have learned first hand that DNA isn't the end all be all.  No, DNA is the mud that God uses to make up these bodies that carry the very soul and breath that He gives each of us.  The Bible says He made us in His image so don't we carry His DNA in the marrow of our souls? 

Right now, there are people who make claims on children they've never met and can't care for simply because they share DNA.  In the meantime, there are those of us who bathe and feed, sing and pray over, tickle and rock, kiss and hold those same little lives and pour our own hearts into them, all without a drop of matching DNA.  Which deposit is making more of a mark on their hearts and lives?

I have strong DNA.  I look very much like both my mom and my dad.  My little brother is a spitting image of my dad at his age and we often comment on that.  We were excited to see that my other brother bears a strong resemblance to our great grandfather after finding old black and white photos from the turn of the century.  These are things to celebrate.  We love our parents and our family and are grateful to bear resemblance.  But, what we cherish more is the legacy they have left and the life they pour into us whether we look like them or not. 

These are just my thoughts.  Thoughts that come tumbling out as we navigate through this road with M&M.  We love her.  We love her sister.  We couldn't imagine loving them more.  I'm so glad that we didn't do any of the crazy or not-so-crazy things to force ourselves to get pregnant.  If we had, we would've missed out on the biggest blessings we never created.  :)

A New Adventure

Does anyone blog anymore?  I'm not sure, but as my mother pointed out to me, writing is therapeutic and sometimes you just have to get your thoughts out of your head.  I haven't written a post on this blog in some time.  A lot of life has happened and some of it has been pretty hard.  I guess I really didn't want to see it in print.  Now we find ourselves in an exciting/challenging/scary adventure and I lose myself most days in the "what ifs" alone in my head.  Hopefully, putting out my thoughts, whether they're read or not, will prove to be my therapy.

Our current adventure is a similar one that we've been on before, but oh so different.  We are currently fostering (hoping to adopt!) a beautiful, one month old baby girl.  Our journey with her goes back to April, when we first felt the nudging from the Lord to go the foster to adopt route.  Licensed at the end of June, we had a few placement calls that were nearly ours, leaving our hearts raw and tender.  Then, in mid September, our call came.  Only three days old, our M&M baby was delivered to our doorstep tiny and precious.  Instantly in love, she has captured all of our hearts.

Initially we were told that her case would be an easy one to move into adoption.  We were thrilled after waiting so long to adopt again and from the long and hard work of adopting Raylen six years ago.  As the days have gone on, we have found that the word easy isn't in the vocabulary anymore.  While one birth parent is not suitable to care for her, the presumed other birth parent is vowing to fight for her. Believe it or not, there is yet another person involved wanting her, all without knowing anything about her.

It's a very hard thing to describe, the feeling that other people want to take your child.  While I know that legally she isn't ours yet, we are the ones up with her every two hours, the ones seeing her first smile, the ones worrying about her every sneeze or fever.  She is ours in every practical sense of the word and our hearts are bonded.  She is a mommy's girl already, not wanting to be put down and really just wanting me to hold her.  When you spend every moment of your day with that kind of love in your arms, it is a lightning bolt to your heart when someone says they want to take that from you.

There are positives right now.  Nothing can be decided for a year.  She is with us for at least a year while anyone seeking custody proves themselves.  Even after that year, we will have so much standing with her that we will have as much or more right to her as a biological parent.  In the thick of it though, it's hard to remember the positives.

For a long time now, I've been asking the Lord to increase my faith in Him.  Several people at different times have prayed over me and asked the Lord to deepen my dependance to Him.  I am learning now that He is doing that, it just doesn't look like the computer style download to my brain I was thinking it would.  I have to walk this journey out day by day in complete faith in Him, standing firm on His word. Loving anyone isn't easy.  There are ups and downs and in all truth, none of us are guaranteed that we have another day with the ones we love.  Fostering is no different.

If you would like, we would be so grateful for your prayers during this journey with M&M baby.  Here are some pressing things to pray for now:

• We have a hearing on November 7th.  We will possibly meet the other parties involved.  Please pray for favor with the judge and for grace in our hearts toward the other family members.
• Please pray for JOY in our home.  From the top down, this can bring weariness in all our hearts.  Please pray against that.