NEVER say never

Today I am doing the worst part of packing up-trying to pack and organize all the last little things that somehow didn't make it into the correct boxes that are now all taped up. I'm trying to avoid the inevitable: all of this random "junk" getting thrown into an empty laundry basket for me to dig through later. All of this has given me time to think about this move and press into what the Lord is saying to me.

One, He is talking to me about the importance of never saying never. I've learned alot the last two years at our wonderful church about making inner vows and how they can be curses in our lives. Most of the time we don't even realize we are making these vows. "I'll never be like her" or "I won't ever forgive them". What we do when we say these things is to set in motion a web of bondage in our hearts and lives. These vows entangle us, keeping us from living a life of true freedom. For me, some of my inner vows have come out the last few months and upon first glance, they look very trivial and not seeming to have the power of the bondage making kind of vows. But, digging deeper, I've found that these vows are the very thing that God is using to teach me something about my walk with Him.

Vow one: "I'll NEVER move to Abilene." Abilene is obviously not Iraq, but for a big city girl like me, it seems like a dry, desolate small town with little action going on. Add on the fact that my family is not there, my friends are not there and there are only two non-country radio stations, it was not my first choice of places in America to live. However, God has so clearly and plainly called us to move to Abilene that He has fashioned my heart to meet His desires. I WANT TO GO! I know! It shocks me too! But, I can't wait to get there and see what He has for us.

Vow two: "I'll NEVER buy a house that has a swing front garage." This seems pretty silly to even write, but it is my latest "Ah-ha Moment" that came this morning and it had big impact on me. For years, Jason and I have driven around the metroplex looking at homes and dreaming of purchasing the perfect one for us one day. When we looked at floor plans and curb appeal, I never liked the houses that have the garages that swing right in front of the door. The plus is that you can't see the garage door from the road, but the downside is that you walk out your front door onto cement and cars can pull up basically to your front door. Not a fan. (If you have one of these homes, I do apologize....I'm sure it's lovely!) But, I'll give you ONE guess as to what kind of house we are purchasing....that's right. The very kind I said I'd NEVER buy. And yet again, I am head over heels ectastic about the house! The garage is actually going to be a perfect retreat for my football/man cave loving hubby who wants to grill and have lots of parties right on all that cement.

So, when this second vow came to mind this morning, I asked the Lord why He was so bent on taking these seemingly trivial things and doing the exact opposite. His reply astounded me. He answered me by reminding me of how different my whole life had gone from the way I had promised it would when I was young. By now, I should have had four biological children, graduated from college, married a white collar man and have a cocker spaniel. Opposite, opposite, opposite. Okay, Lord, obviously you've been trying to talk to me about this for a while now, so what are you wanting to say? I'm listening. He told me that He really isn't interested in the details of what I want or don't want. He could have just as easily given me all the things I thought I wanted as younger Jenn and He certainly didn't have to move me to Abilene or give me a swing garage house just to irritate me. He said that He is after my freedom...my abandonment. (There's that word again, Lord!) He's calling me (and this is the part that floored me) to live so abandoned that I wake up each day to literally walk with Him seeing where He will take me and what He will show me. In my last post about abandonment, I didn't even fully get this. I was "sold out" to Him to do whatever with me, but still I was more about me on my journey and if He wanted to interrupt me I could be fine with it. Today, I'm understanding that me has to be out of the picture. The wild adventure that He wants to have with me is one that can only happen when I come to Him with no agenda, no plans, no thoughts at all except to hang onto Him and enjoy.

When I think about that, it gets me pretty excited. I envision myself in a flowing white sundress with no shoes on, holding onto Sweet Jesus' hand and running along side wild horses on the beach. That's the kind of life I want. Sweet and wild abandon to the Redeemer of my heart. I'm sure that this isn't the last lesson on my journey with Him, but my eyes are open and I'll never...err....I'm keeping them that way!

QT On The Mower

Last night I spent some great quality time with one of my BFF's. We spent the evening laughing and being silly and venting about the things going on with us. At the end of it, with a specatular lightning show around us, we spent some time praying over the pressing stresses in her life right now. The main theme: trust God for His timing in His way. Such a sweet time!

Inevitably though, this morning I woke up to my own life again. Not that it's bad, but it has been full of a chore list a mile long, another trying day learning short vowel "i" and did I mention the power and water were out due to the storm? I haven't been in the best of moods, let me tell you.

One of the things on my chore list is mowing the three acres of land we currently reside on. I don't mind it really other than the storm of allergies it conjures in my head after I'm finished. But, it gives me some time to think uninterrupted and process things with the Lord. For some reason today on the mower, I started thinking about the Duggars...pregnant with their 19th child. I have mixed feelings really, but mostly I'm supportive of the decision to honor life and love children. That has been my heart since I was a little girl. So, of course I start thinking about my life and the amount of children I would like to have and then it dawned on me: I'm going to be 31 in two months....31!!!! Most adoption agencies don't allow you to adopt after 40 so that only gives me 9 years to adopt all the children I want, but if they go by Jason's age then we only have 8 years! Literal panic set in my heart and head while I went round and round on the mower. "My life is half over and I only have one child! What about my dreams? My plans?" Panic, Panic, Panic. I had to stop the mower and breathe. Thankfully, Sweet Jesus came to the rescue. He sang over me Peace and Confidence in Him and reminded me that I have offered Him my life to use for His glory. Abandonment. That's the goal. To live a life so abandoned to Him that I care nothing about my own desires or plans unless it lines up with His desires and plans.

I remembered the prayers we prayed last night for my friend and echoed them for my situation today. If I go the rest of my life without any more children, be glorified, Lord. If I have the blessing of adopting more children, be glorified, Lord. Whatever your will for me...for us...be honored, be praised, be high and lifted up! My life is Yours...I yield to You...I will not panic...You've got this...You're not shaken.

Lessons Learned

I'm not a great mother. Most days I'm short tempered and preoccupied. Too many nights in the last three years I've gone to sleep thinking about the ways that day that I missed the mark, let her down. Yet, every morning, I'm greeted by the same sweet smiling face. Truly the image of an angel with sleep in her eyes and the imprint of bed sheets on her face. She says "Good Morning, Mommy" with a sheepish tone, not sure she's ready to be awake. In that moment, I promise anew to be gentle, patient, focused and FUN and pray in my heart for God to make it so.

Being a homeschool mommy gives me every opportunity to test that promise. We are only in day two of school for this year and yet, I have closed my eyes about five times today to silently pray for the strength to be patient and gentle when everything in me wants to scream and yell. My dearest little one has had three total meltdowns today over Kindergarten work. You would think that learning her ABC's and coloring the pictures that have the short "i" sound would be less traumatic, but you are wrong. For my lovely, who is at heart very particular and hard on herself, if she doesn't get it right, she doesn't want to do it at all. I think she gets this from me although I don't know how. Meltdown number one came when I listed off names of her friends and asked after each one if she heard the short "i" sound in that name. After the third wrong answer, she stomped her foot and put out her pouty lip and said that learning was not fun. Great. Meltdown numero dos came when I asked her to color the picture of the turtle and duck on the pond in the appropriate colors while I put in a load of laundry. When I returned to find the whole picture covered in silver crayon, she threw her hands in the air and said she had no idea what color a turtle is. Right. Meltdown trois came during math. This one was a doozy. I asked her to count how many times I clapped my hands. Each time, one..two...three claps, yet she kept counting to four. What? She knows better. After the third try, the water works showed up. "I'm just not smart!" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, but instead I closed my eyes (again) and prayed and started again. After about the tenth time, she got it and we celebrated by dancing around the room.

I post all of this for two reasons: One, my wise and wonderful friend Janna motivated me when she wrote a great post about being transparent on her blog here. She is so right. We can only grow when we allow ourselves to truly be real with someone else. Too many times, I want everything to "look" right so that I in some way seem to be a success. If you're looking for a "picture" of success though, you won't find it on this blog. I have purposed to be open and real here...the good the bad and the ugly.

Second, in dealing with the, umm, DRAMA my precious put out today, I recognized someone in her...me. So many times I am being instructed about something from a wise leader, my husband or the Lord. I don't get it right the first, second or even third time, so I stomp a bit and quit. Sometimes, I go the exact opposite direction of the instruction I've received and do my own thing. And other times, I cry and whine letting my insecurities show and give up because I know I'm just not good enough. This all rushed into my mind when Sweet Holy Spirit put in my mind a verse to tell my girl amongst her tears. 2 Peter 1:3 says "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." In my own words I shared with her that God has already given her everything she needs to learn and do well. Her eyes lit up and she was ready to try again. Our pastor just preached a two week series on this great verse and I admit it did the same for me; I lit up again and was ready to try again.

We're learning alot, my girl and me. May you be blessed and encouraged to know you're not the only one!