Lessons Learned

I'm not a great mother. Most days I'm short tempered and preoccupied. Too many nights in the last three years I've gone to sleep thinking about the ways that day that I missed the mark, let her down. Yet, every morning, I'm greeted by the same sweet smiling face. Truly the image of an angel with sleep in her eyes and the imprint of bed sheets on her face. She says "Good Morning, Mommy" with a sheepish tone, not sure she's ready to be awake. In that moment, I promise anew to be gentle, patient, focused and FUN and pray in my heart for God to make it so.

Being a homeschool mommy gives me every opportunity to test that promise. We are only in day two of school for this year and yet, I have closed my eyes about five times today to silently pray for the strength to be patient and gentle when everything in me wants to scream and yell. My dearest little one has had three total meltdowns today over Kindergarten work. You would think that learning her ABC's and coloring the pictures that have the short "i" sound would be less traumatic, but you are wrong. For my lovely, who is at heart very particular and hard on herself, if she doesn't get it right, she doesn't want to do it at all. I think she gets this from me although I don't know how. Meltdown number one came when I listed off names of her friends and asked after each one if she heard the short "i" sound in that name. After the third wrong answer, she stomped her foot and put out her pouty lip and said that learning was not fun. Great. Meltdown numero dos came when I asked her to color the picture of the turtle and duck on the pond in the appropriate colors while I put in a load of laundry. When I returned to find the whole picture covered in silver crayon, she threw her hands in the air and said she had no idea what color a turtle is. Right. Meltdown trois came during math. This one was a doozy. I asked her to count how many times I clapped my hands. Each time, one..two...three claps, yet she kept counting to four. What? She knows better. After the third try, the water works showed up. "I'm just not smart!" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, but instead I closed my eyes (again) and prayed and started again. After about the tenth time, she got it and we celebrated by dancing around the room.

I post all of this for two reasons: One, my wise and wonderful friend Janna motivated me when she wrote a great post about being transparent on her blog here. She is so right. We can only grow when we allow ourselves to truly be real with someone else. Too many times, I want everything to "look" right so that I in some way seem to be a success. If you're looking for a "picture" of success though, you won't find it on this blog. I have purposed to be open and real here...the good the bad and the ugly.

Second, in dealing with the, umm, DRAMA my precious put out today, I recognized someone in her...me. So many times I am being instructed about something from a wise leader, my husband or the Lord. I don't get it right the first, second or even third time, so I stomp a bit and quit. Sometimes, I go the exact opposite direction of the instruction I've received and do my own thing. And other times, I cry and whine letting my insecurities show and give up because I know I'm just not good enough. This all rushed into my mind when Sweet Holy Spirit put in my mind a verse to tell my girl amongst her tears. 2 Peter 1:3 says "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." In my own words I shared with her that God has already given her everything she needs to learn and do well. Her eyes lit up and she was ready to try again. Our pastor just preached a two week series on this great verse and I admit it did the same for me; I lit up again and was ready to try again.

We're learning alot, my girl and me. May you be blessed and encouraged to know you're not the only one!