Adoption Journey Journal IV

Hello!

Well, we are not officially all Smiths yet, but we are all three together
and that is a step!

We picked up our angel on Thursday night and drove straight to Abilene for
a long weekend. This may sound funny that we did this but we needed to get
away and relax and let off some of the pressure we have been feeling for
weeks. We did just that. Ray Ray had such a good time playing with
Madisyn (her cousin) and running around. She rode on the golf cart with
her Nawni and tried to ride the four wheeler (really she just climbed up
there by herself and we took pictures) and did a little fishing with Daddy.
At one point she got loose and ran to the sprinkler with clothes and shoes
on and drenched the "Daddy Loves me" shirt that Nawni had just bought her.
Oh well...it made for a big laugh and some great pictures.

We came home on Sunday to spend the evening with my mom and brothers, etc.
It was a good night because Mom was going in for back surgery on Monday.
Ray Ray loves her Granna and she can't wait till she is well enough to
really play with her. She also really enjoyed rubbing Uncle Joey's head
because he had freshly shaved it that day to cope with the heat. Uncle
Bubba is still warming up to her, but she has bonded with Aunt Kristle
already and loved posing for pictures with her.

We spent all day on Monday at the hospital and napping. Mom went home on
Monday afternoon, but we got a call at 3:30 on Tuesday morning saying she
was headed back to the hospital because she was in pain and the doctor was
afraid there was more wrong. I left the hospital at 5:45 to relieve Jason
at home so he could go to work. We found out later that morning that Mom
was going to stay a few days in the hospital because she has inflammation
in her back and since she is diabetic and the steroids they are giving her
to stop that inflammation would elevate her blood sugar, they wanted to
monitor her for that. She is still there and doing well.

Raylen is staying with my grandmother today and will hopefully start a
day-care next week. I would ideally love to find an in home day care that
I could really trust, but I haven't found anything yet. We are praying for
God to make all of those financial and logistic problems work out
perfectly.

Ray Ray is an angel. Literally. I can't tell you what a blessing she is
to us. Of course, she is almost 2. That can't be ignored and she is in to
everything! She is so busy! We are completely worn out and even my
coworkers today commented on my lovely dark circles under my eyes. But how
worth it. We are extremely blessed.

I am trying to contact the birth mom today but so far the numbers I have
for her aren't working. I will also try to send something to her shelter
to set up a meeting with her. My friend is putting together a special
prayer time before that meeting (when it is scheduled) to specifically pray
for her heart to be open and willing to sign so this does not have to go to
court.

I thought of something this morning when I was thinking about writing to
you today. As much as God is teaching Jason and I through this and
sustaining us and even though it sounds all nice and pretty on these
emails, we are humans and it isn't always pretty behind closed doors. For
instance, I have been letting fear seep in far too much and I take out my
stress on my husband by getting frustrated with him when he doesn't know
what I am thinking in my head automatically. Imagine that. And I feel as
though I have post partum anxiety (which I know is impossible given that I
have used no hormones to get Ray Ray here). I could laugh or cry or scream
at any given moment for no reason at all. I had an emotional break down in
Abilene this weekend and needed to talk to my Mom who thankfully calmed me
down. Everything is happening so fast that my head is spinning. I say all
of this to be honest with you and really share who we are and how life
really is. The true blessing of all of this though is that we have deep
and constant love for each other and for our little girl. Love covers over
a multitude of sin doesn't it? We are reminded daily of our joy and that
God is with us right where we are in whatever emotion we are having. One
of the encouraging things that has happened recently is Raylen (all on her
own) has started coming up to me and patting me on the leg and saying "My
Mommy" over and over. I take that as a sign to keep on trucking and keep
the faith.

One last thing to share. We don't have any kids cd's yet so Ray Ray and I
sing together a lot. She loves to sing much to my joy so we sing in the
car, in the tub and in the stores when she's restless. I have been singing
hymns to her because I want her to love them like Jason and I do and have
that foundation of our faith. One of the ones that we sing is "Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus. Sweetest Name I Know". Yesterday in Target, she was
restless and she started saying "Jeshus, Jeshus, Jeshus" so I started
singing the song quietly with her. It hit me all at once as I was singing
the words:

There's within my heart a melody
Jesus whispers sweet and low
Fear not I am with thee Peace be still
In all of life's ebb and flow

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Sweetest name I know
Fills my every longing
And keeps me singing as I go

He is with us and will be with us no matter what comes and what goes. I
know He has filled my every longing...He did that well before He even gave
us Ray Ray...He adopted me as His own, but even now He keeps us singing as
we go on this journey.

Thank you for your prayers. Please keep lifting us up. Your eternal
reward is far greater than any thanks I can give you.