They grow up too quick

I always heard my parents and other adults say that my brothers and I were growing up so fast when we were young. My mom still tells me how to her it was only a few days ago that I was my daughter's age. Some days though, I have to admit, parenting a two year old can seem like the days don't pass quickly enough! But, even on those trying days, I am always conscious that time ticks just a little quicker these days and my precious little one will soon be flying from my nest.

Maybe I have a heightened sense of this because I didn't get my daughter until she was nearly two or maybe every mother feels this way. The other day in the grocery store, I was keenly aware of my feelings on the matter when a perfectly harmless grandmother type asked me how old Raylen was. I told her 2 1/2 and she said "Oh! Almost time for preschool next year!" I know I must have scowled immediately because her smile left her face when she looked at mine. I said to her, "No, I think she will stay at home with me until kindergarten." The lady didn't even respond I don't think and just pushed her cart on to the next aisle.

Poor lady. She got the brunt of my fears and insecurities that I hadn't dealt with yet. As trying as being a parent can be, I want to soak up every ounce of Raylen. She is already a perfectly potty trained little girl instead of the bouncy round toddler we brought home. Far too soon, I will be telling her that it was only a few days ago that she was running around with her pig tails....

Adoption Journey Journal XII

Hello everyone!

It is with a JOYFUL spirit that I write you this morning. For those of you
who did not get the message, we had a wonderful day yesterday!!!!

I went to the Family Courthouse yesterday at 8:20am to confront the birth
mom at a hearing between Raylen's aunt and birth mom about child support.
I was praying all the way that Raylen's birth mother would not show up. In
fact, I was standing at an unusually long light on the corner of
Weatherford and Calhoun streets praying over and over in my head. God,
please don't let her show up today. But, Lord, have YOUR way today.
Whatever happens in this day, let it be YOUR idea, YOUR will and may it
glorify YOU. So when the light changed, I headed in. Right off the bat
when I walked in the courtroom, I saw the back of her head in the front row
and knew it was her. My heart sunk. Again with the prayers. Lord, I
thought we just talked about this? I asked you to not let her be here? He
reminded me then of the last part of my prayer. "Lord, have YOUR way
today." Okay. Even though it's only been ten minutes since that last
prayer, Lord I resubmit to YOUR will. I stood in the long line, petrified
with fear. I really had no reason to be in the line because I didn't need
to check in, but my fear wouldn't let me move. I didn't want to face my
task. I kept thinking, "Who are you kidding? She is not going to want to
talk to you again. Do you honestly think she would sign her rights over
now when she obviously showed up and wants this child?" After a few
minutes, I heard a child in the room laughing hysterically. I couldn't see
the child, but the laugh sounded EXACTLY like Raylen's. She always laughs
that way when you tickle her little thighs or kiss her tummy. My first
reaction was, How did she get here...who got her....why is she here?? When
my senses calmed down and I realized there is no way that she could be
here, I peeked into the room farther and saw that it was a little boy. I
knew in my heart though why I had heard that laugh so loud in my ears.
Although my flesh was petrified with fear, my heart and will were resolved
to do what was best for my child. Just like you moms who have birthed your
own babies, my flesh was forced to submit to my will and I took a deep
breath and started walking. I remember thinking as the world around me was
in slow motion like in a movie, that this was my birthing experience.
Nothing in my life has or will ever be harder than this, but nothing so
rewarding either. What I wouldn't have given for an epidural though. : )

When my legs finally stopped moving, I found myself standing in front of
Mary the birth mom and my mouth opened. Words fell out of my mouth like
they had been trapped in there looking for a release. I am not sure what I
said to her, but quickly found myself in the back corner of the room
talking with her. I plainly told her that Jason and I were still
interested in adopting her daughter...was she interested in that at all?
She said that she had been thinking about it for a while and tried to
contact me (I had tried to call her back too), but had lost my number. She
said she would like me to talk to her mother and sister who were with her
that day. We walked up to them and went to the hall to talk. I gave them
a brief summary of my intentions and how I saw things happening. Mary
teared up. The mother shook her head. I felt like I was going to be sick.
After a minute, the sister turned to Mary and said, "I think you should do
it." Mary looked at her mother and she nodded in agreement. I took the
first breath I had taken all morning. I told them that we needed to get
this done quickly before she saw the judge. They agreed. We walked arm
and arm across the street to the main courthouse and were directed to the
basement where a title company officed who had a notary. When we got to
the basement, we found an office with a sign on the door that read, "Title
Company-Notary inside". Great! Inside, we found TWO ladies in a cubicle.
When I asked for the notary they told me that we needed to go down the hall
to the last room on the right and that's where the notary was. Okay. You
would think that the notary would be where the sign said the notary was,
but okay, we'll go down there. We found the notary just where they had
directed. I quickly told her that we needed this document notarized and
would need two different witnesses. The notary said, "We don't provide
witnesses." Okay. I asked her if I could just grab people out of the
hallway to be witnesses. She said yes, but that was unlikely because
people get into court and I probably wouldn't find anybody. Then I
remembered the TWO women that we had met in the office down the hall.
Thank you Lord for your provision. I ran down there and begged them to
come and sign. Of course they would, they said. With the documents
signed, we headed back to the Family Courthouse. Inside, I was doing
flips. I wanted to cry and scream and laugh and jump, but I couldn't on
the outside. All the way back we giggled and talked about the weather.
Neither of them felt the consequence of what had just happened. As we
walked I was reminded of my prayer that I had prayed just a block away
earlier that morning. Prior to yesterday, everyone who knew anything about
this case told us that they didn't think she would show up. We were told
that she would be crazy to show up while doing drugs, etc. We were CERTAIN
that it would be an "easy" day because she wouldn't show. But God doesn't
do "easy". He does things His way. I am learning that slowly but surely.
In that moment, the Lord reminded me that He did have His way, just like I
had prayed. He had done things SO miraculously that no one could dispute
that His hand was all over it. His business is not about making things
easy for us, but about building character in us and teaching us to trust
Him. Amazing. I can't type words to tell you how much so.

We ended up spending all day at the courthouse together. They didn't call
Mary's name until 2:00pm. She was the last one called. But I know that
sitting there all day was also apart of THE PLAN. We laughed and talked
all day about nothing. When I would look at her and her sister, I was sad
and relieved at the same time. I kept thinking all day, "That could have
been me. I could have been in their place." You know that saying, "There
but for the grace of God go I"? That's true. I have been blessed. I was
born to sane parents who loved me and did all they could for me. I have
had the privilege of a fantastic education, the gift of family and the
eternal foundation of the truth of the gospel and relationship with Jesus
Christ. But, it could've gone the other way. I could've been born to drug
dealers and grew up on the streets and been molested by family and dropped
out of school and gotten pregnant young and chosen to continue the
lifestyle I was brought into. I don't know why I am on my path and she is
on hers. I know the love of God is the same for both of us and His desire
for us to be one with Him is the same too. But the realization of all He
has given me since the moment of my conception is amazing. In addition, to
know that He has taken Raylen from that cycle and given her the opportunity
to grow in a safe environment is more amazing. Psalm 40 1-3 says,

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me up out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

I believe that although she was small and couldn't speak, God surely has
heard her cry. He looked ahead and saw her life and He lifted her from it.
He has truly given her a firm place to stand in Him and I pray that all who
hear and know about what He has done through her in her lifetime, will see
Him for who He is and put their trust in Him.

Needless to say, the Smith Family Three celebrated last night! Woo Hoo!!!
We spent the evening deciding on the spelling of Raylen's new name becausethe lawyer needs it soon. We have decided on Desaray Len Smith. Not the
name we would have chosen if we had named her in the beginning, but a name
that has history and strength and so it is hers. We will obviously
continue to call her Raylen which is a name we adore. Jason and I slept so
well last night. It is a relief like you can't imagine.

So what's the next step you may be wondering. We will go to a hearing with
our lawyer in ten days to have the birth parent's rights terminated. After
that there is a six month waiting period for all adoptions before the final
adoption hearing can be. Because we have already had Raylen with us since
July 13th, our lawyer feels that we will be able to have that hearing
before Christmas. Yippee! I have felt for a few weeks that she would be
our Christmas baby. How fun! That day will be so much fun and everyone
who wants to be there is invited. I will keep you posted. The good news
for you, is that as this process draws to a close, you won't be bombarded
by my enormously long emails! Jason, Raylen and I cannot thank each of you
enough for your love, support, prayers and words during all of this. We
have been blessed beyond measure and YOU are apart of that blessing.

Adoption Journey Journal X!

Hello everybody,

I wanted to update you with the outcome of the homestudies. Both went
extremely well. Last Monday was the first which was with the social worker
assigned to interview Jason and I and see Raylen in her environment. We
were really relieved to see her when she came because she was a very sweet
and loving grandmother type that made herself at home and put us at ease.
She talked with just Jason and I for a while and then toured our home and
visited with us informally while Raylen played with us. She was verygracious about us as a family and she said she didn't see any reason to not
recommend us as parents for Raylen. We were very relieved. And last night
was the second home study. It went very well as well. A little shorter
and different than the last, but we actually got more information from the
lady that came because she is actually an attorney for Raylen. She said
that after reviewing the entire case, she doesn't see anything as a problem
for this to go through and she confirmed to us that we have the best
attorney in the state. She said actually that our attorney is one of the
top 5 adoption attorneys in the country. That's amazing to me.

While we visited with her last night, we told her most of our story from
the time we heard about Raylen. Each time we tell it, it becomes more and
more amazing to me. One thing in particular that I said last night rang in
my ears as though I didn't say it, but needed to hear it instead. The
words were "We have not had to manipulate a thing to make this happen.
Every door has opened and encouraged us to keep moving forward." I have
thought about that all last night and this morning. Those words are exactly
true. I can think of times in my life where I wanted something to happen
or wanted something and I will play tricks with myself trying to make
things seem like the right thing or rearrange things so that something
would work out. Nothing ever turns out the way that I really wanted it to
and I miss the joy and peace of knowing that I didn't make it happen. For
several years through our journey, one thing became evident to us. We
wanted to know and it be clearly evident to all when we finally had a
family that it was all God's doing. We turned away from so many options
because it gave us too much control in the situation. We wanted God to do
this and Him only. And so He has. Very clearly for all to see. Not Jenn
working her "magic" to make things fall in line. Not us having to be
someone other than who we are. All of it in His timing and certainly not
ours. Every last detail His design. The most amazing part of all? God
does this all while we still struggle with all of the human shortcomings we
always have. Emotions, struggles, sin. Chains we attempt to lay down time
and again keep picking them back up along the way. God didn't wait for us
to be rid of all of those things to bless us. He has done it right now in
the midst of those issues and once again shown His great love to us. It
reminds me of Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrated His own love for us in that
while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Wow. While we were
still sinning, He laid everything on the line for us. That's so humbling
for me.

You know, while I am on this particular journey and sharing it with you, I
feel so compelled to share all of me and the thoughts and emotions I am
having. I am not sure why other than maybe in some small way now or in the
future it might serve to encourage you. I am not perfect in any way. My
immediate family will testify to that as well as my extended family. I
struggle SO much with fear, doubt and sin I would be way too embarrassed to
mention today. Lately, in the midst of all of my blessings, it's been easy
to take what God has given me for granted. In a way I can't explain, I
have been revisiting things I believe or don't believe in and trying them
against the Bible to see if they match up. It isn't always easy to obey.
I saw an example of this just last night. Raylen was playing with her
kitchen set and she suddenly dumped all of the play food out of the basket
it belongs in onto the floor. She left it there and moved on to play with
her stroller. Dinner was about ready so I asked her to pick up the food
and put it back in the basket. She went over and put a few things in and
returned to the stroller. Once again, and many times after, I continued to
ask her to put the food away. Each time the same thing happened. Finally,
I went to her, got on her level and told her to put the food away. She
knew by my tone that I meant business so she went to put up the food. She
sat on that floor for twenty minutes trying to put all the food away. She
wasn't sitting there because she didn't understand the task. She was not
sitting there because she couldn't do what she was asked. She sat there so
long because she just didn't want to submit to do it. She would stop and
pitch a fit and cry and have to be reminded to return to the task. She
would get mad and throw some of the food and would have to be reprimanded
for her angry actions. Finally at the end, Raylen put in the last plastic
French fry and looked up at me and said "I did it Mommy!". It isn't always
easy to obey. Not for Raylen and not for me. We both fail at it most of
the time. But the love that God shows me while I am disobeying calls me
back time and again and makes me want to try harder.

This Thursday, I am scheduled to be in court all day to see if the birth
mother shows for a summons and try to get her to sign the paper work. It
is unlikely that she will show, but we are praying that she doesn't anyway.
If she does show, please pray that I will have the words in my mouth to say
to her so that she will sign the paperwork. We don't feel nervous, but
rather anticipation. These are exciting times for us and we so appreciate
you holding us up during it.

Adoption Journey Journal X

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to keep you up to date on what's going on with the adoption.

We have several dates coming up shortly so please keep us in your prayers.
The first is 10/23 when we will have our first home study with the social
worker. Thankfully when I spoke to her I was calmed because she sounds
very sweet and we bonded as much as you can over the phone. She sent us a
packet full of DETAILED questions about ourselves that we have to answer.
It's pretty invasive. The second meeting is on 10/30 and is also a home
study with the ad lidem for Raylen that is a must for the adoption. The
third is a court date on 11/02. I have to attend a hearing that is between
Ronalda (Raylen's aunt) and Mary (Raylen's birth mom). The hearing is
regarding child support that Ronalda filed for when she had Raylen to show
the court that Mary was not financially supporting Raylen. The hearing was
set by the court for 11/02 and our attorney wants me to attend to see if
Mary shows up to get her to sign the papers. We don't think that she will
show up, but if she does, I will have the relinquishment on hand for her to
sign if she will. You can obviously see what are prayer requests would be
for this.

Things are "heating up" and we are prayerful that we will have a "Christmas
baby" this year. All our own and with our name. We are dealing with
things pretty good and trying to stay positive throughout everything. It
is difficult falling in love with a little girl that in the back of your
mind you have the possibility that she could be taken away from you. But
at the same time, we can't help but fall in love with her. She is the
biggest blessing we have ever received and we can't imagine life without
her.

I will continue to let you know how things are going. Thank you for all
your continued prayers.

Adoption Journey Journal IX

I spoke with the lawyer last night and she was able to talk to the judge
yesterday. Although our attorney found a former case like ours showing
favor on our side, the judge is still uncomfortable with us going forward
without at least serving the birth mom with papers. With that said, the
attorney advised me that no matter what happens, Raylen will need an
attorney of her own to represent her best interests. She advised that we
go ahead and hire an attorney that she knows and is very comfortable with.
This attorney will send paperwork to the birth mom's last known address
(likely a shelter) and wait for about a week. If no response, we can move
forward and the judge will be comfortable terminating her rights. Our
attorney will be out the rest of this week and doesn't want to start this
process until she returns so we look for the other attorney to send her
paperwork to the birth mom by Monday.

In addition to this, I talked to Raylen's aunt last night and she has
spoken with some old friends of the birth dad recently. She heard from
them that the birth mother is smoking crack pretty heavily and riding
around in the back of a truck day and night. I am conflicted by this. On
one hand, her continued lack of responsibility and disregard for her life
and sanity is "good" for us and Raylen. It proves that she is in no
position to mother Raylen. But, on the other hand, as Raylen's biological
mother and as a human being, I feel sorrow for her. I hate to see that she
is abusing life in that way and that she can't get out of it. As much as
we want smooth sailing with our adoption, we pray in time that she will be
delivered of this lifestyle.

I will continue to keep you posted as we hear updates. Thank you again for
all of your prayers!

Adoption Journey Journal VIII

Hi All,

Just a quick to ask for your specific prayers in the next couple of days.
I spoke with our attorney on Friday and since we have not heard back from
the birth mother, the attorney is going to go ahead and meet with the judge
either today or tomorrow to discuss our options. Our attorney feels good
about the judge granting us our request based on the mom signing her rights
over previously to the other couple. The attorney feels though that if the
judge does grant it now that if the birth mom ever tries to overturn it in
the court of appeals then she would win. We have thought and prayed and we
don't think that will happen because it will cost her a great deal of money
to do that. Please pray that the judge will grant our request so that the
adoption can be final soon. And please pray for Jason and I as we trudge
through this. The stress is enormous and we are struggling to maintain our
focus and not let the little things tear at us. We are ready for our
family to be settled! : )

Thank you for joining us with this. Your support is treasured more than
you know.

Adoption Journey Journal VII

Hello everyone!

I know it's been a while since I have written....things have been so busy
now that are lives are dictated by a two year old! Things have been
wonderful though and I want to update you on some exciting things!

Since I wrote last, Raylen celebrated her second birthday! We had a party
at home with family, but it also included a jump house provided by a
cousin. She had a blast! We had to keep prying her away from the jump
house because she was getting too red. She didn't like that. I think she
was a little overwhelmed by all of the presents and people. She got tired
of opening presents about half way through, but we convinced her to keep
opening. She was a doll and almost instantly she grew up from that
baby-like 24 month old to a 2 year old big girl! We've noticed that she is
getting taller and talking a lot more. She even graduated from her crib
this week to sleeping in her big girl bed! I have to say that it was a
very surreal thing to look down at this precious angel snuggled in the same
bed that I myself used to snuggle in as a child. I think you can call that
the circle of life. : ) We are still working on the potty experience.
She loves to sit on her training potty, but just thinks it's a chair to sit
on while I fill up the bath tub. And speaking of the bath tub, that girl
loves the water! She has some Elmo and Dora dolls that she plays with in
the tub and loves to get on her back and "swim" with Elmo and Dora. The
other thing that we have noticed is what a music lover she is. When we are
driving or watching TV, it is not unusual to hear her sing in a sweet
angelic voice her "La La's" trying to imitate what she just heard. She
also loves to dance!!! While I was loading the groceries in the car the
other day, Raylen was still in the cart and an Expedition pulled up with a
loud bass dance song playing. The driver had his window down as he sat
there waiting for a car up ahead of us to pull out. Raylen looked at him
for a minute and then let loose dancing up a storm! The man laughed so
hard he was crying by the time he got to move again. It was hilarious!

The weekend after Raylen's birthday, several friends threw us a celebration
shower at North Fort Worth. I had been excited for weeks about the shower,
but didn't know how overwhelmed I would be by this display of love until I
got there! It was amazing! The ladies hosting did an amazing job making
the party "Raylen friendly" and fun for all. We were so blessed by all of
the people who came and we are now well stocked with adorable clothes and
toddler essentials we desperately needed! I hope to have pictures soon of
the shower and birthday to send to you.

And two days ago, another amazing thing happened. The attorney called and
said that she had received the signed paperwork from the birth father! We
are thrilled! We were expecting them from him, but nothing is for sure
until you receive them. Additionally, I got a message from the birth mom
on Thursday asking to talk with me about Raylen, but although I have left a
couple of messages for her, I have not heard back from her. Our attorney
confirmed our thoughts that she probably wants to talk about signing her
rights to us as well because we have heard through the grapevine that she
talked to her own lawyer and the lawyer told her she didn't have much
choice in the matter. We are a beneficial option to her because if she
signs her rights to us, we will allow her to receive updates from us and
pictures of Raylen. We will see if she calls back though. With or without
her signature, we are in a very good place. We are not sure what the next
step will be, but everything should go quickly according to the lawyer. We
are amazed!

You know, it's funny to us how everything is turning out. For instance, we
got married and were ready for a family. It didn't work. Then I didn't
work full time for so long because we didn't want to get comfortable on two
incomes incase a baby came, then I had to go to work in 2004 (ironically
one month to the date after Raylen was born.) Then, at a time when thingsare seemingly the worst for us in a lot of areas, God is opening door after
door for us to be the parents of this little girl...and we know it's His
will! Last night as I was driving home from an appointment, I was asking
God for a miracle in our lives in some other areas. Asking is kind of a
gentle word. I was really begging Him. He reminded me that He had already
worked out all of the details of this adoption and given us Raylen on the
day we decided to start "trying" for a family. I didn't know then all of
the struggles and things we would go through, but God did. So, He said to
me last night, that He already has everything else worked out as well. Why
am I worrying? I responded that I am human...it's my nature. He said "But
I'm not human." What could I say to that? Of course He's got this!!! I
got a forward email from someone the other day talking about how our life
is but a blink compared to the Eternity that we will spend in Heaven. The
email talked of how this life is a dress rehearsal for Heaven. I know in
Heaven we won't have mortgages to worry about and lawyers and taxes and
bank accounts, but I know that the character I develop here while dealing
with those things affects my character for eternity. God is teaching us to
trust Him. In fact, He's been teaching us to trust Him all along. So, a
few minutes later when I got pulled over for speeding, I said silently, "OK
Lord. I will slow down and just trust You." : )

Thank you for praying for our family. Thank you for continuing to bless us
as you are! You are apart of our miracle and we are so grateful!