That's our girl

I was looking at some pictures this morning and came across this one that I took Sunday night at my mom's house. Raylen and I helped her decorate her Christmas tree that night and I was just snapping random shots. This one, though is classic Raylen.

Anyone who knows her knows that she loves and adores shoes. She has since the first day we got her. She wants to have shoes on at all times and the world is out of sorts if something is on her shoe or the buckle is undone. She gets scolded often for running through our house with her plastic heeled play shoes on-Jason is petrified that she will fall on the wood floors and break something. Her love of shoes has now expanded to include my shoes. She thinks they're fancy I guess. They are, of course NOT fancy, but fascinating to her just the same.

So, when I examined this picture again, I noticed that she is in true Raylen form-decorating her G-Da's tree with my heels on. Priceless....

Abilene High Beats Southlake Carroll!

For those of you who don't know, my husband is originally from Abilene. He is faithful to his town heritage and with that comes a love of high school football. This past Saturday, Abilene High played the defending 3 year champions, Southlake Carroll at Texas Stadium. We really weren't expecting muc h since Carroll has won the past 3 years. But, in a nail biting thriller, Abilene took the victory with only a one point lead! It was exciting and even more exciting for Jason to see his little girl cheering on the school he loves. Here are my favorites from the day.

Better late than never!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I know, I know. It's December 3rd. Time has already gotten away with me this holiday season, but I wanted to make sure I posted a little about our Thanksgiving.
We had a wonderful time this year. On Wednesday night, we celebrated with my dad's side of the family. Raylen had a great time playing with her cousins and my girl cousins and I had a great time at my cousin Angie's house playing some new video karaoke game. We sang until 1:30 am! Fun!
On Thursday, we went to my Aunt Lynn's on my mom's side and we had lots of fun playing games and things after a lot of of turkey.
I hope that your Thanksgiving was as great as ours...we have so much to be thankful for!

L.O.V.E. just doesn't cut it

Before I was a mom, I heard mothers everywhere, including my own say that the love one feels for their child is unlike any other love they ever knew. I was envious of that love and wondered about how it was even possible. Like so many things in life, infertility and childlessness leaves you with a weird sensation of not truly believing something without experiencing it. Needless to say, when Raylen came to us I was anxious to feel this love and almost tried to make it happen on my own. I did love her immediately, but truth be told, with the speed of our situation and the events surrounding her adoption, I was numb and couldn't feel much of anything.

But now, after a year of chaos, our life has developed a routine and now I have learned to relax as a mother and really let myself feel what is developing between my daughter and I. Even at three, Raylen has a deep understanding of what the word love means...and the word L.O.V.E that we commonly say just doesn't cut it. No, she loves out loud, the way I remember my dad loving and the way I am learning that our Saviour loves. Passionate, unbridled, curious, physical and most of all LOUD. I can feel that love in my heart now for her and it shocks me everyday that it has grown again when I thought I had reached the peak.

This photo is one of my favorites of her because it captures her sweet spirit. She was tired of me posing her and she was ready to go play, but she didn't complain and kept sitting there.

Father's Day

Sunday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day for my husband. It got me thinking about my own dad and what my daughter will remember later about her dad. I decided to post the greatest thing my dad ever taught me outside faith in a living God. I actually have a list in my heart that I carry around with me now that Daddy is in Heaven, but for blog's sake, here is the top.

The most important thing my dad ever taught me was to love out loud---loud enough for those you love to really know you love them. My dad was great at that. If he loved you...hey, if he liked you, you really knew it. There wasn't alot of beating around the bush with Daddy. He told you right then and often and he showed it by being there for you and for giving all he had. I read recently that a good dad loves you and a great dad points you to the One who loves you. That's what my dad did for me. He knew what it meant to love every moment and like there was no tomorrow.

They grow up too quick

I always heard my parents and other adults say that my brothers and I were growing up so fast when we were young. My mom still tells me how to her it was only a few days ago that I was my daughter's age. Some days though, I have to admit, parenting a two year old can seem like the days don't pass quickly enough! But, even on those trying days, I am always conscious that time ticks just a little quicker these days and my precious little one will soon be flying from my nest.

Maybe I have a heightened sense of this because I didn't get my daughter until she was nearly two or maybe every mother feels this way. The other day in the grocery store, I was keenly aware of my feelings on the matter when a perfectly harmless grandmother type asked me how old Raylen was. I told her 2 1/2 and she said "Oh! Almost time for preschool next year!" I know I must have scowled immediately because her smile left her face when she looked at mine. I said to her, "No, I think she will stay at home with me until kindergarten." The lady didn't even respond I don't think and just pushed her cart on to the next aisle.

Poor lady. She got the brunt of my fears and insecurities that I hadn't dealt with yet. As trying as being a parent can be, I want to soak up every ounce of Raylen. She is already a perfectly potty trained little girl instead of the bouncy round toddler we brought home. Far too soon, I will be telling her that it was only a few days ago that she was running around with her pig tails....

Adoption Journey Journal XII

Hello everyone!

It is with a JOYFUL spirit that I write you this morning. For those of you
who did not get the message, we had a wonderful day yesterday!!!!

I went to the Family Courthouse yesterday at 8:20am to confront the birth
mom at a hearing between Raylen's aunt and birth mom about child support.
I was praying all the way that Raylen's birth mother would not show up. In
fact, I was standing at an unusually long light on the corner of
Weatherford and Calhoun streets praying over and over in my head. God,
please don't let her show up today. But, Lord, have YOUR way today.
Whatever happens in this day, let it be YOUR idea, YOUR will and may it
glorify YOU. So when the light changed, I headed in. Right off the bat
when I walked in the courtroom, I saw the back of her head in the front row
and knew it was her. My heart sunk. Again with the prayers. Lord, I
thought we just talked about this? I asked you to not let her be here? He
reminded me then of the last part of my prayer. "Lord, have YOUR way
today." Okay. Even though it's only been ten minutes since that last
prayer, Lord I resubmit to YOUR will. I stood in the long line, petrified
with fear. I really had no reason to be in the line because I didn't need
to check in, but my fear wouldn't let me move. I didn't want to face my
task. I kept thinking, "Who are you kidding? She is not going to want to
talk to you again. Do you honestly think she would sign her rights over
now when she obviously showed up and wants this child?" After a few
minutes, I heard a child in the room laughing hysterically. I couldn't see
the child, but the laugh sounded EXACTLY like Raylen's. She always laughs
that way when you tickle her little thighs or kiss her tummy. My first
reaction was, How did she get here...who got her....why is she here?? When
my senses calmed down and I realized there is no way that she could be
here, I peeked into the room farther and saw that it was a little boy. I
knew in my heart though why I had heard that laugh so loud in my ears.
Although my flesh was petrified with fear, my heart and will were resolved
to do what was best for my child. Just like you moms who have birthed your
own babies, my flesh was forced to submit to my will and I took a deep
breath and started walking. I remember thinking as the world around me was
in slow motion like in a movie, that this was my birthing experience.
Nothing in my life has or will ever be harder than this, but nothing so
rewarding either. What I wouldn't have given for an epidural though. : )

When my legs finally stopped moving, I found myself standing in front of
Mary the birth mom and my mouth opened. Words fell out of my mouth like
they had been trapped in there looking for a release. I am not sure what I
said to her, but quickly found myself in the back corner of the room
talking with her. I plainly told her that Jason and I were still
interested in adopting her daughter...was she interested in that at all?
She said that she had been thinking about it for a while and tried to
contact me (I had tried to call her back too), but had lost my number. She
said she would like me to talk to her mother and sister who were with her
that day. We walked up to them and went to the hall to talk. I gave them
a brief summary of my intentions and how I saw things happening. Mary
teared up. The mother shook her head. I felt like I was going to be sick.
After a minute, the sister turned to Mary and said, "I think you should do
it." Mary looked at her mother and she nodded in agreement. I took the
first breath I had taken all morning. I told them that we needed to get
this done quickly before she saw the judge. They agreed. We walked arm
and arm across the street to the main courthouse and were directed to the
basement where a title company officed who had a notary. When we got to
the basement, we found an office with a sign on the door that read, "Title
Company-Notary inside". Great! Inside, we found TWO ladies in a cubicle.
When I asked for the notary they told me that we needed to go down the hall
to the last room on the right and that's where the notary was. Okay. You
would think that the notary would be where the sign said the notary was,
but okay, we'll go down there. We found the notary just where they had
directed. I quickly told her that we needed this document notarized and
would need two different witnesses. The notary said, "We don't provide
witnesses." Okay. I asked her if I could just grab people out of the
hallway to be witnesses. She said yes, but that was unlikely because
people get into court and I probably wouldn't find anybody. Then I
remembered the TWO women that we had met in the office down the hall.
Thank you Lord for your provision. I ran down there and begged them to
come and sign. Of course they would, they said. With the documents
signed, we headed back to the Family Courthouse. Inside, I was doing
flips. I wanted to cry and scream and laugh and jump, but I couldn't on
the outside. All the way back we giggled and talked about the weather.
Neither of them felt the consequence of what had just happened. As we
walked I was reminded of my prayer that I had prayed just a block away
earlier that morning. Prior to yesterday, everyone who knew anything about
this case told us that they didn't think she would show up. We were told
that she would be crazy to show up while doing drugs, etc. We were CERTAIN
that it would be an "easy" day because she wouldn't show. But God doesn't
do "easy". He does things His way. I am learning that slowly but surely.
In that moment, the Lord reminded me that He did have His way, just like I
had prayed. He had done things SO miraculously that no one could dispute
that His hand was all over it. His business is not about making things
easy for us, but about building character in us and teaching us to trust
Him. Amazing. I can't type words to tell you how much so.

We ended up spending all day at the courthouse together. They didn't call
Mary's name until 2:00pm. She was the last one called. But I know that
sitting there all day was also apart of THE PLAN. We laughed and talked
all day about nothing. When I would look at her and her sister, I was sad
and relieved at the same time. I kept thinking all day, "That could have
been me. I could have been in their place." You know that saying, "There
but for the grace of God go I"? That's true. I have been blessed. I was
born to sane parents who loved me and did all they could for me. I have
had the privilege of a fantastic education, the gift of family and the
eternal foundation of the truth of the gospel and relationship with Jesus
Christ. But, it could've gone the other way. I could've been born to drug
dealers and grew up on the streets and been molested by family and dropped
out of school and gotten pregnant young and chosen to continue the
lifestyle I was brought into. I don't know why I am on my path and she is
on hers. I know the love of God is the same for both of us and His desire
for us to be one with Him is the same too. But the realization of all He
has given me since the moment of my conception is amazing. In addition, to
know that He has taken Raylen from that cycle and given her the opportunity
to grow in a safe environment is more amazing. Psalm 40 1-3 says,

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me up out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

I believe that although she was small and couldn't speak, God surely has
heard her cry. He looked ahead and saw her life and He lifted her from it.
He has truly given her a firm place to stand in Him and I pray that all who
hear and know about what He has done through her in her lifetime, will see
Him for who He is and put their trust in Him.

Needless to say, the Smith Family Three celebrated last night! Woo Hoo!!!
We spent the evening deciding on the spelling of Raylen's new name becausethe lawyer needs it soon. We have decided on Desaray Len Smith. Not the
name we would have chosen if we had named her in the beginning, but a name
that has history and strength and so it is hers. We will obviously
continue to call her Raylen which is a name we adore. Jason and I slept so
well last night. It is a relief like you can't imagine.

So what's the next step you may be wondering. We will go to a hearing with
our lawyer in ten days to have the birth parent's rights terminated. After
that there is a six month waiting period for all adoptions before the final
adoption hearing can be. Because we have already had Raylen with us since
July 13th, our lawyer feels that we will be able to have that hearing
before Christmas. Yippee! I have felt for a few weeks that she would be
our Christmas baby. How fun! That day will be so much fun and everyone
who wants to be there is invited. I will keep you posted. The good news
for you, is that as this process draws to a close, you won't be bombarded
by my enormously long emails! Jason, Raylen and I cannot thank each of you
enough for your love, support, prayers and words during all of this. We
have been blessed beyond measure and YOU are apart of that blessing.