Adoption Journey Journal IX

I spoke with the lawyer last night and she was able to talk to the judge
yesterday. Although our attorney found a former case like ours showing
favor on our side, the judge is still uncomfortable with us going forward
without at least serving the birth mom with papers. With that said, the
attorney advised me that no matter what happens, Raylen will need an
attorney of her own to represent her best interests. She advised that we
go ahead and hire an attorney that she knows and is very comfortable with.
This attorney will send paperwork to the birth mom's last known address
(likely a shelter) and wait for about a week. If no response, we can move
forward and the judge will be comfortable terminating her rights. Our
attorney will be out the rest of this week and doesn't want to start this
process until she returns so we look for the other attorney to send her
paperwork to the birth mom by Monday.

In addition to this, I talked to Raylen's aunt last night and she has
spoken with some old friends of the birth dad recently. She heard from
them that the birth mother is smoking crack pretty heavily and riding
around in the back of a truck day and night. I am conflicted by this. On
one hand, her continued lack of responsibility and disregard for her life
and sanity is "good" for us and Raylen. It proves that she is in no
position to mother Raylen. But, on the other hand, as Raylen's biological
mother and as a human being, I feel sorrow for her. I hate to see that she
is abusing life in that way and that she can't get out of it. As much as
we want smooth sailing with our adoption, we pray in time that she will be
delivered of this lifestyle.

I will continue to keep you posted as we hear updates. Thank you again for
all of your prayers!

Adoption Journey Journal VIII

Hi All,

Just a quick to ask for your specific prayers in the next couple of days.
I spoke with our attorney on Friday and since we have not heard back from
the birth mother, the attorney is going to go ahead and meet with the judge
either today or tomorrow to discuss our options. Our attorney feels good
about the judge granting us our request based on the mom signing her rights
over previously to the other couple. The attorney feels though that if the
judge does grant it now that if the birth mom ever tries to overturn it in
the court of appeals then she would win. We have thought and prayed and we
don't think that will happen because it will cost her a great deal of money
to do that. Please pray that the judge will grant our request so that the
adoption can be final soon. And please pray for Jason and I as we trudge
through this. The stress is enormous and we are struggling to maintain our
focus and not let the little things tear at us. We are ready for our
family to be settled! : )

Thank you for joining us with this. Your support is treasured more than
you know.

Adoption Journey Journal VII

Hello everyone!

I know it's been a while since I have written....things have been so busy
now that are lives are dictated by a two year old! Things have been
wonderful though and I want to update you on some exciting things!

Since I wrote last, Raylen celebrated her second birthday! We had a party
at home with family, but it also included a jump house provided by a
cousin. She had a blast! We had to keep prying her away from the jump
house because she was getting too red. She didn't like that. I think she
was a little overwhelmed by all of the presents and people. She got tired
of opening presents about half way through, but we convinced her to keep
opening. She was a doll and almost instantly she grew up from that
baby-like 24 month old to a 2 year old big girl! We've noticed that she is
getting taller and talking a lot more. She even graduated from her crib
this week to sleeping in her big girl bed! I have to say that it was a
very surreal thing to look down at this precious angel snuggled in the same
bed that I myself used to snuggle in as a child. I think you can call that
the circle of life. : ) We are still working on the potty experience.
She loves to sit on her training potty, but just thinks it's a chair to sit
on while I fill up the bath tub. And speaking of the bath tub, that girl
loves the water! She has some Elmo and Dora dolls that she plays with in
the tub and loves to get on her back and "swim" with Elmo and Dora. The
other thing that we have noticed is what a music lover she is. When we are
driving or watching TV, it is not unusual to hear her sing in a sweet
angelic voice her "La La's" trying to imitate what she just heard. She
also loves to dance!!! While I was loading the groceries in the car the
other day, Raylen was still in the cart and an Expedition pulled up with a
loud bass dance song playing. The driver had his window down as he sat
there waiting for a car up ahead of us to pull out. Raylen looked at him
for a minute and then let loose dancing up a storm! The man laughed so
hard he was crying by the time he got to move again. It was hilarious!

The weekend after Raylen's birthday, several friends threw us a celebration
shower at North Fort Worth. I had been excited for weeks about the shower,
but didn't know how overwhelmed I would be by this display of love until I
got there! It was amazing! The ladies hosting did an amazing job making
the party "Raylen friendly" and fun for all. We were so blessed by all of
the people who came and we are now well stocked with adorable clothes and
toddler essentials we desperately needed! I hope to have pictures soon of
the shower and birthday to send to you.

And two days ago, another amazing thing happened. The attorney called and
said that she had received the signed paperwork from the birth father! We
are thrilled! We were expecting them from him, but nothing is for sure
until you receive them. Additionally, I got a message from the birth mom
on Thursday asking to talk with me about Raylen, but although I have left a
couple of messages for her, I have not heard back from her. Our attorney
confirmed our thoughts that she probably wants to talk about signing her
rights to us as well because we have heard through the grapevine that she
talked to her own lawyer and the lawyer told her she didn't have much
choice in the matter. We are a beneficial option to her because if she
signs her rights to us, we will allow her to receive updates from us and
pictures of Raylen. We will see if she calls back though. With or without
her signature, we are in a very good place. We are not sure what the next
step will be, but everything should go quickly according to the lawyer. We
are amazed!

You know, it's funny to us how everything is turning out. For instance, we
got married and were ready for a family. It didn't work. Then I didn't
work full time for so long because we didn't want to get comfortable on two
incomes incase a baby came, then I had to go to work in 2004 (ironically
one month to the date after Raylen was born.) Then, at a time when thingsare seemingly the worst for us in a lot of areas, God is opening door after
door for us to be the parents of this little girl...and we know it's His
will! Last night as I was driving home from an appointment, I was asking
God for a miracle in our lives in some other areas. Asking is kind of a
gentle word. I was really begging Him. He reminded me that He had already
worked out all of the details of this adoption and given us Raylen on the
day we decided to start "trying" for a family. I didn't know then all of
the struggles and things we would go through, but God did. So, He said to
me last night, that He already has everything else worked out as well. Why
am I worrying? I responded that I am human...it's my nature. He said "But
I'm not human." What could I say to that? Of course He's got this!!! I
got a forward email from someone the other day talking about how our life
is but a blink compared to the Eternity that we will spend in Heaven. The
email talked of how this life is a dress rehearsal for Heaven. I know in
Heaven we won't have mortgages to worry about and lawyers and taxes and
bank accounts, but I know that the character I develop here while dealing
with those things affects my character for eternity. God is teaching us to
trust Him. In fact, He's been teaching us to trust Him all along. So, a
few minutes later when I got pulled over for speeding, I said silently, "OK
Lord. I will slow down and just trust You." : )

Thank you for praying for our family. Thank you for continuing to bless us
as you are! You are apart of our miracle and we are so grateful!

Adoption Journal Journey VI

Hello there,

My note is a little later than usual this week due to our baby girl being
sick on Monday and Tuesday. Nothing major, but that nasty cough worried
Jason and I so I took her to the doctor on Tuesday and she is doing better
with some medicine. It was so nice to be home with her those two days.
It's amazing what a difference there is in her temperament when we are
together all day instead of at day-care some of the day. I am praying for
God to make a way for me to stay home with her but until then, we are
thankful for our time together when we have it.

My last note told you about some funds that were needed for our adoption
now that the dad has agreed to sign the papers. I must tell you that there
were several days that we were very nervous about how that money was going
to come. Then Friday night of last week came and Jason said that we should
go and see how much he could get for his truck. Now pause for a second. A
little history about this truck is that Jason had been wishing for a truck
all last year and we spent many late nights with our friends running all
over car lots after hours looking in the windows of his dream trucks. In
November we were blessed with a little extra money that made for a great
down payment on a used truck...even though the truck that he chose looked
hardly used. It was such a fun time! He adored that truck and took great
care of it and even sulked for three days once when he spilled hot sauce on
the carpet in the front seat! So, fast forward. Why would he even suggest
that we see what we could get for it? Well, we spent a late night at the
dealership on Friday and found that we could get 3/4 of the amount of money
that we needed for the adoption paperwork by selling the truck. We didn't
make a decision that night because we wanted to think hard about what we
were doing. That night I told Jason that although we share everything, I
knew that this was his truck and it should be his decision about what to
do. I would be happy with whatever he chose. Secretly though, I was
almost hoping he didn't choose to sell it because I thought for sure that
he would mope around for weeks about losing the truck. Before the night
was over, Jason had made a call to our friend asking for a ride home from
the dealership the next morning. He had made a tough decision, but as he
told me, Raylen is worth more than the truck could ever be worth. The next
morning, we all went to the dealership and Jason kept hugging Ray Ray, I
think to remind him of what this was all for. He was a trooper and the
most attractive he has ever been to me during that morning. I saw him in a
new light, not because he was bringing the money in, but because he had
shown true leadership and inspiration to our family. Before they took the
truck, I took a picture of Jason and Raylen in front of it and plan to put
it in her baby book. I know from experience that there will be a day in her
teenage life where she will want to be "grown up" and want to rebel from
all that Jason and I teach her. She might even wonder if we really even
love her because teenage minds are often distorted with such things. But
on those days, I want that picture to remind her that her daddy loved her
more than himself and would give up that truck and more to see her smile
everyday. I wish I could tell you that I treat Jason with the respect and
love that he deserves everyday for doing such a thing and being the great
husband and father that he is, but I don't. I do know it in my heart
though and he has made a sacrifice that will forever shape our family. By
the way, I was wrong. He hasn't sulked once.

I receive a Bible verse emailed to me daily and this morning's read this:


Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one
receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And
everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now
they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable
crown. Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not
as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into
subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should
become disqualified.
1 Corinthians 9:24-27

When I read that verse it reminded me of our current "race". I know
that Paul is talking about our race in life...obtaining the prize of
eternal life, but it hits closer to home today for me. For those of
you who have been through this process you know that it is hard. In
fact many have referred to this time as my labor as in pregnancy.
But, we are not going through this for nothing. The verse above
indicates that we are running this race for a prize! We know what
that is and she is certainly a prize! Her life can't be measured in
perishable things like trucks and money, but by eternity and love.
So as it says above, we can run with certainty knowing that we aren't
fighting for nothing, but every challenge becoming a discipline; the
discipline of trusting God; the discipline of speaking faith and
leaning on each other; the discipline of brokenness so that God can
be glorified through our lives. The last sentence really punches me
in the gut though...these disciplines are needed to keep us from
becoming disqualified! What do I think would disqualify me? Luke
warm faith. Doubt. Dishonesty. Dissension. All of these things
will keep me from the real prize...not Raylen perhaps, but the true
Joy and Blessing of discovering the generous heart of God through
this. The thing is, I want it all! I want all that God has to
offer! Babies, joy and knowing Him deeper! So, Jason and I run
on...and we know you are running with us.

We still have not heard from the birth mother yet and I am praying
about when is the right time to call her again. Right now we are
just enjoying our baby girl. She is the light of our life. She
learned to say Wow the other day and goes through stores saying it
over and over pointing at everything. I just crack up! I have to
share the cutest story though. My mom, (her Granna) taught her to
say I Love You in sign language. After only one time of doing it
with my mom, several days later I asked Raylen if she wanted to talk
to Granna on the phone. When I put the phone up to her ear and Mom
started talking to her, I could tell what Mom was saying because
Raylen put her hand close to the phone and made the I love you sign
with her hands. She won't do that to even us when we say I love you.
She is so smart. I couldn't have dreamed her any more precious than
she is.

Adoption Journey Journal V

This is probably my most joyous of emails yet...and one I know most of you
have been waiting desperately for.

Yes, I did get to meet with the birth mother on Saturday and it went great!
I met her at noon at a local McDonald's and when she walked in I knew
instantly that it was her. We greeted, both with big smiles and sat down
to talk. She told me that her friend was coming in that drove her so I
waited a minute before jumping in because I wanted to make sure of what I
was dealing with the friend. The mom immediately dove in telling me about
all she was trying to do to get her life back on track and how she had
wanted to see her daughter but she wasn't allowed to. (This I know is
untrue, but I just let her talk) At first I felt defeated because she
sounded like she wanted the baby back, but then I literally felt a kick in
the lower portion of my back which caused my mouth to open and then words
just came pouring out.

I told her all about ourselves and how we wanted a family and what we would
like to give "her" daughter. I talked about our faith and hopes for
college for her and about wanting to live in the country and traveling the
country for vacations. She teared up many times at the thought of these
things and said that this was what she wanted for her daughter. I told her
that there was no judgement on our part towards her, but that we knew she
wasn't in a position to give her these things. I told her that the best
part about this option was she being able to be apart of the baby's life
throughout the years. I told her we would send pictures and letters and if
she wanted to see her, she could call and we would set up a time depending
on the situation. She was thrilled at that. The lady that was with her
loved the idea and kept telling her that this was the right thing to do.
At the end of the visit, I asked her if this was something that she would
be willing to do and she said yes, but that she wanted a couple of days to
think about it. I told her I absolutely understood and to take her time
except that we should move fairly quickly on this because CPS could come
and have her adopted and she would never be able to see her again. When we
stood up and after I shook the other lady's hand, I held her hand and her
arm and told her I was so glad to have met her. She grabbed me and hugged
me and with tears in her eyes told me that she was so glad to have met me
too.

I left there on cloud nine! Not because she was probably going to do this,
but because I knew a miracle had happened there. Many miracles in fact.
How amazing was it that I had the strength to go in the first place and
then amazing above everything else was that I felt actual love for this
woman. No judgement. Just love. Only God does that, believe me. I know
my heart and how it works. I could have easily have judged her and would
have if not for God working through me.

Well, guess what. The miracles don't end there. At 7:30pm that night, I
got a call from Raylen's aunt who said she had just checked her mail and
there was a letter in there from the birth dad. He had written one to her
and one to us. They both said that he would sign the adoption papers!!!!
Can you believe that??? Amazing! God is answering our prayers and making
our path straight. He has laid out this road for us and we are happy to
walk it by faith. When I was on the phone with the aunt, I asked her,
"Have you ever seen such a miracle?" and she said, "I thought when my
children were born that would be the last time I saw God move, but I was
wrong because this is a miracle!" Jason and I were overwhelmed with
emotion upon hearing that.

On Friday night before all of this happened, some dear friends gathered
with us to pray corporately for the meeting with the birth mother and for
the things going on right now. It was a wonderful and emotional time of
prayer, but also thanksgiving for all that God is doing in our lives. In
my prayers that night and every night I am reminded of what God has already
done for me well before this time with Raylen. In fact, I learned and
understood a long time ago through the Jewish teachings my Mom used to do
in Vacation Bible School, that God has already done enough for me. I'll
explain. When the modern day Passover meal is celebrated, there is a part
at the end where the guests sing an upbeat song while literally pounding on
the table called "Dayenu" The word means "It would have been enough". The
song's stanzas say "If He would have just brought us out of
Egypt...Dayenu..." and goes on to list all the things that God has done for
the children of Israel and for us each ending with "Dayenu"...It would have
been enough. But the miracle is that He continued to do more and more and
still does. So I know and I say with you, that if He would have just sent
His Son to die for us and raised Him from the grave so we could live with
Him for Eternity, Dayenu...it would have been enough. But He didn't stop
there for me...or for you. I thank Him for all the gifts He has given
me...salvation, my husband, my family, my friends, my pets, health,
prosperity, education, nationality, freedom, and now for this precious
baby. It reminds me of yet another song that we sing in church that fills
my heart now:

Amazing Love how can it be?
That You my King would die for me
Amazing Love I know it's true!
It's my joy to honour You
In all I do I honour You

I hope that each of you know and see with your eyes the value of your
prayers! God is doing miracles today in our life and I know He is also
about doing them in your life as well! We don't want this "Mountain Top
Experience" to end when the papers are signed and we go on about life.This is what God intends life to be! To see Him at work daily and to join
Him in that work. Please also let us know where we can join you in prayer
so that we can see God do great things for you as He has done for us. We
are filled with deep love for each of you for walking this journey with us.
Please keep praying....

Adoption Journey Journal IV

Hello!

Well, we are not officially all Smiths yet, but we are all three together
and that is a step!

We picked up our angel on Thursday night and drove straight to Abilene for
a long weekend. This may sound funny that we did this but we needed to get
away and relax and let off some of the pressure we have been feeling for
weeks. We did just that. Ray Ray had such a good time playing with
Madisyn (her cousin) and running around. She rode on the golf cart with
her Nawni and tried to ride the four wheeler (really she just climbed up
there by herself and we took pictures) and did a little fishing with Daddy.
At one point she got loose and ran to the sprinkler with clothes and shoes
on and drenched the "Daddy Loves me" shirt that Nawni had just bought her.
Oh well...it made for a big laugh and some great pictures.

We came home on Sunday to spend the evening with my mom and brothers, etc.
It was a good night because Mom was going in for back surgery on Monday.
Ray Ray loves her Granna and she can't wait till she is well enough to
really play with her. She also really enjoyed rubbing Uncle Joey's head
because he had freshly shaved it that day to cope with the heat. Uncle
Bubba is still warming up to her, but she has bonded with Aunt Kristle
already and loved posing for pictures with her.

We spent all day on Monday at the hospital and napping. Mom went home on
Monday afternoon, but we got a call at 3:30 on Tuesday morning saying she
was headed back to the hospital because she was in pain and the doctor was
afraid there was more wrong. I left the hospital at 5:45 to relieve Jason
at home so he could go to work. We found out later that morning that Mom
was going to stay a few days in the hospital because she has inflammation
in her back and since she is diabetic and the steroids they are giving her
to stop that inflammation would elevate her blood sugar, they wanted to
monitor her for that. She is still there and doing well.

Raylen is staying with my grandmother today and will hopefully start a
day-care next week. I would ideally love to find an in home day care that
I could really trust, but I haven't found anything yet. We are praying for
God to make all of those financial and logistic problems work out
perfectly.

Ray Ray is an angel. Literally. I can't tell you what a blessing she is
to us. Of course, she is almost 2. That can't be ignored and she is in to
everything! She is so busy! We are completely worn out and even my
coworkers today commented on my lovely dark circles under my eyes. But how
worth it. We are extremely blessed.

I am trying to contact the birth mom today but so far the numbers I have
for her aren't working. I will also try to send something to her shelter
to set up a meeting with her. My friend is putting together a special
prayer time before that meeting (when it is scheduled) to specifically pray
for her heart to be open and willing to sign so this does not have to go to
court.

I thought of something this morning when I was thinking about writing to
you today. As much as God is teaching Jason and I through this and
sustaining us and even though it sounds all nice and pretty on these
emails, we are humans and it isn't always pretty behind closed doors. For
instance, I have been letting fear seep in far too much and I take out my
stress on my husband by getting frustrated with him when he doesn't know
what I am thinking in my head automatically. Imagine that. And I feel as
though I have post partum anxiety (which I know is impossible given that I
have used no hormones to get Ray Ray here). I could laugh or cry or scream
at any given moment for no reason at all. I had an emotional break down in
Abilene this weekend and needed to talk to my Mom who thankfully calmed me
down. Everything is happening so fast that my head is spinning. I say all
of this to be honest with you and really share who we are and how life
really is. The true blessing of all of this though is that we have deep
and constant love for each other and for our little girl. Love covers over
a multitude of sin doesn't it? We are reminded daily of our joy and that
God is with us right where we are in whatever emotion we are having. One
of the encouraging things that has happened recently is Raylen (all on her
own) has started coming up to me and patting me on the leg and saying "My
Mommy" over and over. I take that as a sign to keep on trucking and keep
the faith.

One last thing to share. We don't have any kids cd's yet so Ray Ray and I
sing together a lot. She loves to sing much to my joy so we sing in the
car, in the tub and in the stores when she's restless. I have been singing
hymns to her because I want her to love them like Jason and I do and have
that foundation of our faith. One of the ones that we sing is "Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus. Sweetest Name I Know". Yesterday in Target, she was
restless and she started saying "Jeshus, Jeshus, Jeshus" so I started
singing the song quietly with her. It hit me all at once as I was singing
the words:

There's within my heart a melody
Jesus whispers sweet and low
Fear not I am with thee Peace be still
In all of life's ebb and flow

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Sweetest name I know
Fills my every longing
And keeps me singing as I go

He is with us and will be with us no matter what comes and what goes. I
know He has filled my every longing...He did that well before He even gave
us Ray Ray...He adopted me as His own, but even now He keeps us singing as
we go on this journey.

Thank you for your prayers. Please keep lifting us up. Your eternal
reward is far greater than any thanks I can give you.

Adoption Journey Journal III

Happy Monday to everyone!

It is an unusually happy Monday for us this week because as of Saturday
night it was decided that our little angel will come home to live with us
full time on Thursday night! We are so excited! Before everyone gets too
excited, please know that this does not make everything final and we are
still far from that point. However, in order for us to file for custody
with the courts (should we need to go to court if the parents don't sign
the papers) then we will need to rack up as much time as possible with her
in our home. This is a HUGE adjustment as you can imagine because we have
not planned at all for this...but it is so wonderful that we are just
pushing through. Thank you to everyone who has offered their help and
support...We so need it!!!

As you know, anytime you become a parent it is a big deal. We never knew
how big of one until now. For us, this is becoming a very big spiritual
journey as well, thus the reason for these long emails from me! : ) For
me, it helps to write these things out and let you know what we are
learning and what's going on.

As for this week's spiritual awakening, I think it's rather funny that the
last time I wrote I talked about having faith that God has not left you,
etc. and not giving into the fear of being left alone in the "desert"
because, the very day after that, I was hit with a big wave of fear!
(Actually it's not funny at all!) I walked around work all day on Thursday
in a haze and I remember being in the elevator saying out loud (by myself!)
" I know You didn't bring us out here to just leave us here." And that is
the truth and what Jason and I are clinging to. It is enormously scary for
us to keep walking in this direction and it would be so easy to say no and
turn around. But we can't. We press on. At night we hardly talk because
we are in shock still and you can hear our deep breaths louder than the air
conditioner, but we press on. The main thing that keeps us going is
looking far into the future and thinking about how amazing it will be when
our daughter understands all that God has brought her through to give her a
family and all that He has brought us through to give us a child. Every
pain and fear is worth the thought of that moment for us. At night before
she goes to sleep and at meal times, Jason and I hold her hands and we all
close our eyes as Jason prays out loud. He thanks God for "RayRay" and for
the food and then asks God to make us a permanent family and have His way
in our lives. We want her to know from day one Who holds her future.

We are still praying for miracles in our life as well. Our attorney won't
represent us completely until we give her the $10,000.00 retainer. We are
working hard to get that now...we are planning to get second jobs and hold
fund-raisers and even sell a lot of things on Ebay...so if you are an avid
Ebay shopper...watch for our items! We are continuing to pray for the
birth parents that they would quickly and easily sign over their rights so
a long court battle will not be needed. We are also beginning to see the
stress take form in how we speak to each other and are praying for
protection against taking our stress out on one another and isolating
ourselves.

Well, I will leave you this week with another picture of our baby. I can't
help it! I just love her and I want to share her with you! I know some of
you are forwarding my emails on to those I don't have email addresses
for...if you want to send me those emails I can add them to the list.
Thank you for your prayers and support. We love each and every one of you!